A Winter Driving Reminder

I work for a state government somewhere in the northern plains.  I work in the maintenance division, which means I maintain roads, mow ditches, haul off road kill, and plow snow.  I was inspired to write this post after a lengthy discussion with a friend of mine down in Georgia over their recent snow event.  Here now is the sum of my wisdom concerning winter driving.

As with anywhere else in these United States, we have idiots behind the wheel up here, too. Some of the locals (mainly from the cities) believe that the posted speed limit is a divine right regardless of road and visibility conditions. I plow during blizzards, including severe ones, because some people don't have the sense God gave a rock to stay put.  I can be called out at all hours of the day regardless of how much sleep I've had.

We had someone killed just east of town two days before Christmas.  It appears that a pickup was following one of our snowplows too closely. When the plow blade is down and moving snow, the snow is thrown up into the air and upwards of 50' away and into the ditch.  If the wind is right the snow can fly over a 100'.  In this case the wind was contrary, and some of the finer particles were being whipped back around and behind the plow and across the road, creating what is called snow fog. A car was coming the other way while speeding, and when he hit the snow fog he either lost control, panicked, or completely lost his bearings.  He crossed the center line just behind the plow and struck the pickup head on.  The driver of the car was killed.

You see, both drivers share some blame in what happened.  Though the driver of the pickup does not appear to have been charged with anything, he should still have been further back so that he could see more clearly, and the car coming from the other direction should have slowed way down and yielded right-of-way.  The laws in my state afford the same protection to a snow plow out doing his job as they do any other emergency vehicle.  

My plow was rear ended last February because someone decided to drive into my snow fog instead of slowing down.  What gets me is that he even recognized it for snow fog, figured that there was a vehicle in there somewhere, and still drove into it without slowing down. 

Most of the locals are pretty good, though.  It's mainly those who moved from out-of-state facing their first few winters that get themselves into trouble.

The two forms of winter weather to be on guard against are snow storms and ice storms.

There is a marked difference between snow storms and ice storms. Ice storms are often the result of freezing rain where the ground temperature and ambient air temperature are below freezing. The rain makes contact with the frozen ground and freezes, creating a layer of ice. The air freezes the rain onto power lines, tree limbs, and anything else above ground, causing many to break under the strain of the additional weight, wreaking havoc and creating major hazards. The freezing roadway, still wet from the falling rain, is exceptionally slick, and even going 10mph, and often much slower, can still cause a vehicle to go out of control. There is simply no traction for the tires. Snow tires will not even help on wet ice. There is nothing to grip, and the temperature is too warm for them to work properly anyway. Snow tires require a certain temperature range much lower than your average all-season tires to meet their full potential (they are a softer rubber than normal tires, I believe).  It is inadvisable to go anywhere during an ice storm. 

Snow storms, or snow events are we call them, on the other hand, come with reduced visibility. Snow can build up quickly in sheltered areas, and snow drifts can become as hard as concrete if the wind and temperature are right. In open areas with enough wind the snow simply blows across the road, which is helpful, but all bets are off in any areas that have an extended row of trees or shrubs too close to the road. It doesn't take much of a snow cover to obliterate the road surface. Also, the deeper the snow, the more power the vehicle needs to exert in order to push its way through the snow. This results in greater torque, which can result in a loss of control even for a front wheel drive.  When dealing with reduced traction, torque is your enemy.

In a heavy snow fall night driving is especially dangerous and disorienting because of the severely reduced visibility, and it is more difficult to discern tree lines and such to aide in guessing one's location on the road. It is much easier to drive off the road by accident or to even cross the center line. Also, the larger the snowflake the more disorienting driving is. First, the headlights are reflected back at a higher intensity than with smaller flakes making it extremely difficult to concentrate on anything beyond the immediate front of the vehicle. Second, the larger flakes in the headlights come at the driver in such a way as to be almost hypnotic. To the tired driver, this can be devastating.

The are four primary mistakes people make during adverse weather conditions, and they are as follows:

1). Driving too fast for conditions. SLOW DOWN at night by at least 5mph with good visibility and dry roads. Slow down even more in the rain, even during daylight, but especially at night. During a snow event slow down further, and unless you are used to driving in these adverse conditions, reevaluate your priorities and stay home. Even if you are used to driving in these conditions, reevaluate your priorities and stay home. During ice don't go anywhere, even if it is "just around the corner" Most accidents and fatalities occur within two miles of home. If you need medical attention which cannot wait, call 911. You are better off paying for an ambulance visit than to risk not making it to the hospital. 

Slow way down before making your turn, especially if on snow or ice.  Drop to below 5mph to make your turn.  Anything faster could send you sliding into a curb or into another car.

Another mistake related to driving too fast is using the cruise control. NEVER use the cruise control in conditions other than ideal driving conditions.  You, the driver, simply cannot  react fast enough to split-second changes in conditions if your cruise is on.  Also with your cruise on, you will be more apt to allow your attention to drift a little, and you may be too late in recognizing a hazard.

2). Steering. Many people who lose control do so because they over-correct their steering. If you find yourself drifting across the center line or off the shoulder, DO NOT HIT THE BRAKES -- EVER!!!!  And NEVER JERK THE WHEEL!!!! Take your foot off the gas and gently counter-steer.  The vehicle will gradually slow down and allow you to return your vehicle to your lane while allowing you to maintain control. I have not experienced this to fail even once.

3). Brake gently. Many other accidents are caused by braking too hard and too quickly. Even with anti-lock brakes, you can still slide. Make sure you start braking WELL in advance of where you normally would to make your turn or stop. Remember that your anti-lock brakes were designed to work primarily on dry pavement to prevent skidding, and in wet conditions to prevent sliding.  They do not function very well in snow or ice because there is not enough traction.  Do not rely on them.  If you do, they will get you into trouble.  

A corollary to this is down shifting.  If the roads are bad and you know that there is a hill that you need to descend, slow way down before you begin your descent and drop your vehicle into a lower gear.  This will allow your engine to help keep you vehicle running at a safer speed, and you will have less risk in causing your car to slide by hitting the brakes.  Remember that you will need to drop even lower for an automatic transmission as opposed to a manual.  However, if the road is bad enough, it won't matter what you do. You will slide, and most likely you will slide off the road or into the other lane.  Before going down the hill, bring your vehicle to a complete stop and get out.  If the road doesn't seem too slippery, you may be able to make depending on how steep the road is.  If you fall right to ground or can hardly stand, get back into your car and turn it around, then head back to where you.

4). Don't tailgate. Maintain adequate following distance. In ideal conditions you should maintain a minimum of 3 seconds following distance. Double that during rain. Double that during snow and ice. Determine your following distance by picking a fixed object that you can see up ahead, like a side road, a billboard, a sign, and count off mississippis when the vehicle you are following reaches that object. Keep counting until you reach that object. This will give you your following distance. If it is less than 3 seconds in ideal conditions slow down, make more room, and count again. Remember it is always preferable to have too much following distance than not enough.

I consider myself an expert in driving in all manner of adverse road and weather conditions (a veteran driver of extreme snow/ice conditions in northern Japan, six years OTR and local truck driving, and six years in various northern states, along with my training as a commercial truck driver and worker for the highway department). I do not even go out in ice storms unless in the capacity as a state employee to treat the roads, not because I have any doubts as to my ability to handle whatever the road and weather throw at me, but because the majority of others on the road do not drive with safety on their minds. They think only of getting to their destinations as quickly as possible. Even a mere 5 mph slower than what you think is a safe speed can, and often is, the difference between life and death, getting in an accident or avoiding one, or going off the road or maintaining control.
 

During the winter always keep the following in your car: a snow shovel; a tow rope (preferably longer than 30' or keep two 20' ropes); a flashlight with extra batteries; flares; space blankets for the number of seat belts in your vehicle (they reflect the heat back in - very small and light and available in camping supplies); enough wool blankets to cover all the occupants (military surplus work great); extra pairs of socks for everybody (wet shoes and feet can lead to frostbite, even in the South, and they just make you miserable anyway); extra warm gloves for everyone; stocking caps that cover the ears for everyone; candles; matches or lighters; and bottled water. The heat from one candle in your average sedan is enough to keep the occupants from freezing to death. 

If it looks like you are going to be stuck for a long period of time, crack the windows a hair if you are going to use your candle. If you are stuck in a snow storm, DO NOT RUN YOUR CAR. Heavy snow can build around your car quickly, creating a seal which will prevent the exhaust from escaping, which will result in the occupants dying from carbon monoxide poisoning. If you do run your car, make sure to go out and dig out the back of your vehicle, then run the car for no more than 10 minutes in any given hour. The snow fall can be so fast that it can fill in a good sized hole very quickly.

Another good practice during the winter is to add weight to your vehicle. Because the engine of your car is in the front (in the vast majority of cases), that is where the majority of the weight of your vehicle is carried.  The rear tires carry a comparatively lighter load.  Adding the weight makes the vehicle more stable and reduces the possibility that the back end of your vehicle will slide out away from you.  I carry 760lbs of sand in sand bags in the back of my 98 Silverado K1500. Makes a world of difference. But with most sedans no more than four 40 to 60 pound bags should be sufficient, depending on whether you have a sedan or minivan. In an SUV you may want up to 400lbs worth of sand bags in the back. That's what I had in my '03 Envoy. That weight made a huge difference.  Besides, the sand in the sandbags will become useful if you do get stuck in some ice and need a little traction.

Some personal advice I have is that you never let your fuel tank run below half.  There are two reasons for this practice:  First, it will minimize the amount of moisture that can get into your tank, thus minimizing the likelihood of water freezing in your fuel line, which will result in your car failing to operate. Second, this will guarantee that you always have a reserve fuel supply should you become stuck somewhere in the boonies where the likelihood of a quick rescue is slim.  You will be able to milk that fuel supply for days by running it in short spurts if the weather conditions allow you to do so safely.

And remember this.  This is advice, not gospel truth.  I do not claim that everything I said is fool proof.  There are a lot of mitigating circumstances that go into whether or not my advice will help you.  Ultimately, the person who gets behind the wheel of any vehicle is responsible for the safe operation of that vehicle.  I cannot drive your car for you.  You will have to use the sense God gave you to decide what is best.

Go with God, and be safe out there.

Shameless

Hi.  My name is Jonathan, and I struggle with pornography.  I have been struggling for over 25 years.

I am like the recovering alcoholic. I will always be recovering from pornography.  Just like a single drink will totally mess over the sobriety record of a recovering alcoholic, so too will a glimpse of a girlie magazine or website.  I have to be careful what I watch on TV.  I have to be careful what I search for on the Internet or what websites I go to.  I even have to be careful on Amazon.com.  My flesh is easily enticed.  My lust stays hidden just beyond my awareness, ready to inflame at the slightest provocation, at the slightest hint of weakness.

I used to flatter myself that I wasn't that bad.  After all, I only liked soft porn.  The hardcore stuff turned my stomach and made me physically ill.  No thank you.  But, give me the other stuff, and . . . . I'll just leave it at that.  You get the picture.  Ha!  Unintended pun.

There is a popular saying which goes something like this: "The Devil made me do it." This is called blame-shifting.  The Bible says in James 1:14-15 that "each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.  Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death." (ESV).  I do not know how to be clearer.  My temptations come from within my own self.

If I give in to lust and look at something that I should not look at, I have no business blaming the Devil or his minions.  I have only myself to blame.  If my wife says something to make me mad, and I respond to her in an unkind way, I have only myself to blame.  I chose to respond that way.  If I keep a defeatist attitude and never find victory, I have only myself to blame.  God's Grace is there for the taking.  If I allow my past to consistently defeat me, I have only myself to blame.  I do not diminish the pain.  I do not diminish the heartache.  I do not diminish the gravity of what happened.  But once I have been exposed to God's Grace, and I choose to wallow in self pity instead of allowing God to work healing in my life, I have only myself to blame.  The Devil and his angels are not to blame. 

The Devil doesn't tempt me.  I tempt me.  He is not attacking me.  I am.  My corrupted conscience is.  My negative tapes are.  If I leave myself to my own devices, I will only destroy myself further.  It is in my nature to do so.  The Devil didn't make me do it.  No hellish angel tempted me.  I made me do it.  I tempted me.  I am weak.  My flesh is weak.  I tempted me because I have a nature which delights in sin.  I tempted me because I have an insatiable hunger for things which appease my flesh.

So, here's what happens.  I drove 18 wheels for 6 years.  I've been all over.  I don't keep anything in my truck because I know I have a weakness for porn.  So, nothing can tempt me.  Sounds good, right?  Well, I pull into a customer's plant to drop and hook (drop my empty trailer and hook to a pre-loaded trailer).  I drive up to the guard shack and sign my bill of lading (BOL - papers saying how much of what cargo I have and where it's going and where it came from).  I'm doing pretty good in my thought life at the moment.  I suddenly get an urgent need to find a restroom, and the only one that I am allowed to use is a port-a-potty outside the guard shack.  I go in, and sitting right there next to the seat is a Play Boy.  Needless to say I failed that test.

Another scenario.  I pull into a truck stop to fuel, then find a place to park for the night. While I am parking a lot lizard (hooker) comes up to see if I want company.  I politely tell her to get lost.  I go into the truck stop to shower, and discover that I am number 6 on the waiting list.  It's January, and places that never sell Sports Illustrated have racks and racks loaded with the Swim Suit issue.  I walk away without buying and go sit down in Wendy's while I wait.  I won that battle.

I've lost a lot of battles, and I've won a lot of battles.  A lot of factors have gone into my victories and my defeats, such as my spiritual life, my level of exhaustion, and my relationship with my wife, among others.  She reads my blog so this will come as a surprise to her, not that I haven't tried to tell her before.  I have tried on several occasions.  I probably didn't do a very good job of trying to tell her.

The amount of time I spend in the Word helps me.  The Spirit within me has more ammunition at His disposal, and I am able to think more of my Savior and His sacrifice for my sins, and of honoring my wife than when I am not spending time in the Word of God.  I am reminded of an old illustration, related to me many times removed and attributed to an old and wise American Indian chief, now probably long since deceased.  He spoke of there being two dogs in each person, fighting each other, a white dog and a black dog.  The white one is good and the black one bad.  If we do good things, we feed the white dog and he gets stronger, and he is able to beat the black dog, but if we do bad things we feed the black dog and he will get stronger and win.  In a similar way if we maintain habits which cater to our flesh, then our flesh will get stronger and we will remain in bondage.  If we replace those habits with habits which feed our soul, then we feed that redeemed part of us which wants to do right and please God, and that part of us becomes stronger and is better able to resist the powerful onslaught of desires from the flesh. 

If my relationship with my wife is not well, then I have that much more temptation I have to face.  The majority of times I have lost my battles since being married were after we had some kind of falling out.  She got upset at me over something I considered to be trivial.  Continual frustration over continual interruption after repeated requests to be left alone for a certain amount of time so I could concentrate on whatever it was I was doing (which has not happened in very long time, by the way). At times she would seem distant or aloof, unapproachable, for long periods of time (not saying that she was, just that to me she seemed it - my interpretive filter was wrong).  Though I am to blame for most of the problems, she also has a sin nature, and when two sin natures collide, there are going to be issues, ugly ones complete with hairy worts and crooked yellow teeth.  Whoever was to blame, which probably in the vast majority of cases was me, my feeling in the matter was that I was in some way rejected.  Thus, I would be tempted to find comfort or revenge in looking at things I shouldn't.  You see, she can forget very quickly why there was a fight or argument.  That's something I really respect in her.  Unfortunately I can't.  I internalize it, and it takes me a lot longer to get over it.  I think God is working on this.

That is why I need to be in the Word.  That is why I need to be embracing Grace.  That is why I need to be looking to Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith, for my strength. I cannot win this battle on my own.  Though God governs the entire Universe, He does not force Himself onto us.  He does not shout to be heard.  He does not punch to be felt.  He invites us to follow Him.  He leads by example.  He speaks in a soft voice.  He nudges our shoulders with a gentle breeze.

For years I did not realize that there was hope.  Having become an adult in a theological movement which states that "these things are bad" but not giving any way out other than "wash these verses down with a tall glass of prayer, and call me if you don't feel better," I was without hope.  I struggled and struggled and struggled over the years.  I did everything I could.  I went to the altar and knelt.  I confessed my sins over and over and over, and I implored God's forgiveness over and over and over.  I read my Bible.  I memorized Scripture.  I prayed.  I went to church.  I did everything they told me that I am supposed to do in order to get victory. Guess what? THEY LIED!!!  All I did was beat myself up over and over and over because I continually fell.  I could never get victory.  I would never kick this.  I despised myself for my weakness to porn, and I could do nothing about it.  The movement payed lip-service to the part of the Bible which states that "Christ died once for all," but in practice I was preached that God was continually angry with me over my sin, and I would be placed on shelf or "taken out of the way" should I fail to get my life right. 

Yeah.  I was threatened that God would strike me dead if *I* didn't get a handle on this.  How's that for hope?  *I* must accomplish this, or I might die.  Oh, there was a brief nod of acknowledgment to "God will help you if you only ask Him," but I only heard doom, doom, doom.  How many times had I implored God for help?  How many times had I begged Him for deliverance?  And I was still bound. Grace came up during salvation messages.  That was it.  For all intents and purposes, Grace no longer existed for me after salvation.  That is the essence of what I heard proclaimed from the pulpit.

And then I learned about Grace from a five point Calvinist in California.  My eyes began to open, and I began to see what Grace really was.  Grace only started at salvation!  Grace continues on and on and on until either I die, or my Beloved comes to claim me for His very own.  God was going to come back and claim ME. Yeah, trust your eyes.  You read it right. Jesus is coming back for me, ME, THE sinner.  How's that for love?  How's that for hope? 

What I did not realize was that when I was asking God for deliverance, He was answering my prayer by allowing me to fall.  Now, put your stones down.  There will be time enough for stoning me when I am done.  No, God was not tempting me to do evil.  He allowed a situation which resulted in my choosing to fail of my own volition, which then would teach me that I cannot do this on my own, that I need to rely on Him more. Only because of the conditioning I had received at the words of preachers who probably meant well, I could not see that my problem was beyond me.  Because I was indoctrinated to believe that *I* was responsible to clean this mess up, I could never see past my own failure.  Grace opened my eyes to let me see that I never could clean this mess up, that even my failure had a point.  My life is a God sized mess, and only God can clean it up.  Only Tide with God Power can take care of these stains.

And I have freedom. Freedom from chains which held me for years.  Freedom to love my Beloved.  Freedom to know Him and the power of His resurrection.  Freedom to fail, to fall and know that He knew that I was going to fail Him, and He took me in and loved me anyway.  Freedom to let God handle my mess.  Freedom to let Him help me get back up on my feet and love on me.  Freedom to take a few more steps and fall, knowing that there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.  My conscience is pricked.  That is punishment enough.  Freedom to repeat the cycle of fall, get up, walk, fall, get up, walk.  Eventually I'll take more than a few steps toward my Beloved.  I will walk many steps before I trip.  Then I will run, and trip, and get up, and run some more.  My eyes are on my Beloved, and He is coaxing me on, cheering me on, and putting superhero band-aids on my boo-boos when I fall and get scraped up.

This is not to say that I can deliberately let myself go and read and watch anything I want to. GOD FORBID! No, my Beloved's Grace is not for the abusing.  I am not deliberately to sin more so that He can shower me with more Grace.  That is wrong.  That would be to abuse God's goodness.  No, sir (or mam).  Absolutely not. 

Think of things this way.  If you are trying to do right, and you fall, and get back up and keep trying to do right, you are not abusing God's Grace. If you choose to habitually indulge in that which you know you should not, then you are abusing God's Grace.  See the difference?  Falling into a muck hole because you slipped and fell in does not constitute abuse.  Seeking out a muck hole to jump into and wallow in does.  Temptations will come, and you will fail.  Not all the time, but you will fail.  This is not abuse.  Seeking out temptation on a regular basis, this is abuse.

I have had to make some changes in my life.  There are some websites I do not go to because they will lead me where I do not wish to go.  There are stores I do not go into because they will sow seeds which will rapidly grow into trip-vines and snare-vines.  There are TV shows and channels I don't watch at certain times of the day because there is stuff on them that I have no business seeing.

If any of you, my dear readers, struggle with the same struggle that I struggle with, and some of you do, then depending on your circumstances you may need to make some drastic changes to your life.  You may have to avoid a friend's house.  You may have to get rid of your TV for a period of time, or cancel your cable/satellite subscriptions.  You may have to destroy hundreds, even thousands of dollars worth of DVDs.  You may have to burn a lot of magazines.  You may have to cancel some credit cards.  You may need to have a friend restore your computer to factory defaults - effectively wiping everything out on the hard drive because of the thousands of porno images you downloaded, then have him install a password protected filter program and not tell you the password.  If your struggle is bad enough, you may have to get rid of your computer all together. If you're route to work takes you by an adult bookstore or strip club, find another route.

Balking at any of this?  Good.  Ask yourself this question.  How desperately do I want to go clean?  Ask God for wisdom.  Ask Him if there is anything you need to get rid of.

I'm not saying that these will cure you. They will not.  They simply help remove the major avenues by which you satisfy your flesh. 

THEN, you have to replace whatever you got rid of.  If you got rid of your TV, then listen to radio programs, or read books by reputable authors, or listen to books by reputable authors.  I'm not going to tell you to replace bad material with strictly godly material.  Fiction is OK, but it must be wholesome.  If you want to read some godly material, by all means.  Take up a hobby, such as painting, or making things out of wood or metal, or even take up needlepoint.  You must occupy that time previously spent doing evil by doing something completely different, even if it is not totally constructive.  And, do not neglect studying your Bible, whatever form that may take, and praying for strength, praising God, and looking for ways to serve Him and others instead of yourself.  If you formerly went to a strip club or an X rated movie theatre on certain days of the week, find a Bible study to join on those nights, or visit with a godly friend over Starbucks.  If you do not replace your evil with good, you will fall right back into the same trap, and you will end up being worse off than what you were before.

Finding  a godly someone you can trust and give that person permission to ask very invasive questions about your life, anytime of day or night, can be helpful. Accountability certainly will not hurt.

Remember that God loves you unconditionally.  If you are married, remember that porn does not honor your spouse.  If you are unmarried, remember that porn will create baggage in any future relationship that you have or are having.  Remember that you are human, and you will fall.  You will stumble.  But remember that God has already forgiven you, and that His love for you has not diminished at all. 

Go in God, my friends.  You are unconditionally loved in our Beloved.

Destroyer of Souls

 Is it possible for a wound to go so deep that it is bottomless?

Am I able to wound myself so deeply that I have no end to the anguish?

Am I capable of hurting another human being so deeply that I destroy his soul?

Yes.

There is nothing that I am not capable of.  Given the right people around me and the right set of circumstances, there is no height I cannot achieve, and there is no depth to which I cannot descend.  I am capable of the full spectrum of both good and evil.  I am capable of the most self-sacrificing actions to the most diabolical sadism.  To look at someone who stumbled and say that I could never do such a thing is to lie to myself, to others, and to God.  Such words show a fundamental misunderstanding of who I am and what I am capable of.  Such words show arrogance and pride, and they prove myself to be an utter fool.

The depth of my depravity is a crushing weight.

Forgiven, yes.

Being broken and remade, yes.

Able to forget my past, no.

I admit to you freely that I struggle with pornography.  I admit to you freely that I struggle with lust.  I can think of a hundred other shameful things I would rather admit to, true or not, if I can only escape this one.  But God will not let me.  He has placed this cup before me, and in a gentle voice bade me drain it.  So I will trust Him, and I will drain it.  I know He is working in me to heal me, but I would rather walk barefoot on a path of razors.  The cup is very bitter.

At HeartChange I formulated a dagger, a phrase that I can use to remind me who I am in Jesus when the difficulties come.  "I am a warrior, forged in adversity by my Lord and Captain, unfettered and at peace." 

(long silence)  I sense I have been plunged into the coals, and now I am on the anvil, being pounded, being forged.  The gathering storm I foresaw weeks ago has broken directly overhead.  I thought the assault would come from without.  I was wrong.  It came from within.  I was ready for whatever came at me.  I was not prepared for what came from me.  Lightning has pierced my soul and thunder has shattered my senses.  I am reeling.  I am numb.  I do not see any light.  Even the lightning is black.

I thought I had conquered this mountain at HeartChange.  It turns out that I had only climbed to the base camp.  The remainder of my Everest towers high above me yet.

The other day I read a blog by a dear friend, one whom I have not even met yet.  She writes "Journey to Beloved" at journeytobeloved.blogspot.com.  She has been through incredible pain herself, and she ministers to hurting hearts.  The other day she posted a blog entitled "Marked."  I triggered, and the lights went out.

J. Robert Oppenheimer, the chief scientist for the Manhattan Project, said after the creation of the atomic bomb, "Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds."  I borrow his words and say, "I am become Death, the Destroyer of Souls."

It happened 15 years ago on a beautiful day, not very cold, the sun shining.  I believe it was fall.  I came back to my dorm and muttered something under my breath, and he heard me as he passed me near the east entrance to the north wing.  I was mere steps away from my room.  I don't remember if he was coming or going.  I don't remember his name.  I don't know if he was even a student.  I've talked to my friends about him, but no one remembers him.  I don't even remember his face.  I do remember he was skinny and shorter than me.  I do remember he had lighter hair.  I do remember he was a missionary kid from New Zealand.  I don't know the information I need to find him.

It happened 15 years ago on that fateful day.  He heard what I said, and he confronted me on it.  And that is when it happened.  That is when I lit him up.  That is when I plunged a dagger into his soul.  That is when he turned red with rage.  That is when I heard his soul shatter.  That is when I heard his heart break.  That is when I saw in his eyes the damage I did.  That is when I watched him turn and walk away in deafening silence, never to be seen by me again.

That is when I didn't care.

Who was this punk?  How dare he tell me what I should or should not say?  How DARE he!  HOW DARE HE!!!!!!!   Who does he think he is, anyway?

(long pause)  I'll tell you who he is.  He is a child of God.  He has been saved by Grace.  He is dear to my Lord and Savior.  He is my brother. And he is my better.

That day, that ominous day, I sinned greatly.  I became a walking abomination.  I slew a soul.  I fractured a life.  I violated one of God's beloved ones. 

And now his specter has returned from whatever place I buried him in my past.  He rises at will as my personal vampire and feeds on me, draining me of joy, of hope, of any sense of worth.  He whispers that I am the Destroyer of Souls, that I am worthless, that all I touch turns to ash, that I am not deserving of joy, that I cannot be used of God because of this incredible evil.  And I offer him my neck, and I allow him to drain me.  I know I deserve no less.  It is my penance.  It is the least I can do after I so wronged him.

I know these are lies.  But I struggle at not believing them.  I know I am forgiven of my Beloved, that ALL of my sins are forgiven, even this evil.  I know that to Him I am of infinite worth.  I know that in Him I find all the joy I can handle, and then some. I know that my touch does not cause to wither.  I know I can do nothing to make amends for the wrong I have done.  There is no penance that can cleanse me.  Only God's Grace can cleanse me.

Two songs have really spoken to me of late, both by Chris Tomlin.  Both are on my play list.  The first is "Everlasting God," and the second is "I Will Rise."

And just now, as I write this, I realized that I am chained to this demon by my choice.  He cannot harm me unless I let him.  Therefore, I will no longer listen to his poisonous words.  I will no longer offer him my neck.  I will rest in the Truth of my Beloved's Grace.  I am forgiven.  I am cleansed.  He paid for my sin, even this one.  It has been abolished on the Cross, and I bear it no more.  I am free.  FREE!!!!

To my Nameless brother in our Beloved, I met you on one occasion around the fall of 1995 at Northland Baptist Bible College.  I ask your forgiveness for how I wronged you.  I make no excuses for myself.  You are just in any anger you hold against me.  Be it known to you that since then I received Jesus as my Savior, and God has dealt with me concerning my sin toward you.  I repented of it, and I have tried to find you, but not knowing your name or knowing anyone that remembers you, I cannot find you.  My prayer is that this blog entry will find its way to you, and that you will accept my repentance and forgive me.  May Jesus richly bless your life and restore you tenfold whatever I robbed of you.  May you find healing in His loving arms, and that when we meet in Heaven, if God does not first bring our paths together here on Earth, that we can meet as friends.  I love you, my Nameless brother.  Go in God, and be at peace.  Amen.

A Struggle of Life and Death

I've heard a lot of people say, "When life hands me lemons, I make lemonade."  I know what they mean - I should have a positive attitude on life no matter what happens.  A tired cliche, excellent bravado, and very hard to live up to.  When I find myself in a deep pit and locked in mortal combat for my very sanity, the last thing on my mind is looking for sugar.  It seems like the world and everything in it is trying to bury me alive, and I have a crushing weight on my soul and I cannot stand or even call out for help. No, these are not the words I need to hear.  I need a shoulder to lean on, a bear hug, a listening ear that will let me vent and not judge me no matter what I say or how I say it, a word of love, of hope, of Grace.

Not too long ago I believed my inner pain was always something only between me and God. And when one has been taught that God is wrathful, vengeful, and jealous, such as I learned to view God after leaving home, God became something of a tyrant.  I began seeing myself as not being adequate, not just in my relationship with God but with those around me.  I began to believe the negatives I heard preached.  I must not be relying on God enough. I must not be praying enough.  I must not be reading my Bible enough.  I must not be tithing enough.  I must be really bad because I really like the "wrong" music.  Maybe God put me on a shelf and I am supposed to sit here in my pain until I have suffered enough to purge me of whatever I am to be purged of so that He will be willing to try using me.  Everything bad that happens to me and my loved ones is God's punishment on me.  Even my sister's death became God telling me how displeased He was with me. 

Therefore, I experienced rejection, despair, anguish, emptiness, and loneliness.  I resigned myself to my fate, and I bore my burden in silence.  Self-loathing became the norm, and the less time I spent with myself, the better.  So, I filled my time with distracting pursuits.  I devoured fantasy novels.  I played fantasy RPG computer games.  I dove headlong into Dungeons & Dragons.  Anything where I could be someone else for a period of time.  All my thought was bent on escaping reality. I hated who and what I was.  And secretly, where no one else could ever know, locked in a closet in a windowless room, (whispering) I hated God.

The pious say in their lofty tones "If all I have is God, then it is enough."  This may very well be true, but if all I had was the God I thought I had, then shove it.  It is NOT enough.  I wanted more, but I knew I could never have it.  Reprobate children such as myself never would get a smile from God.  Only a stern look.  My only hope became that one day, all of this would be over.  I knew I was going to Heaven, but I dared not ever hope for a "Well done, My good and faithful servant."  Oh no.  I was getting to Heaven, but I would have no crowns, no reward.  I would be standing on the outskirts of Heaven's throng where other rebels were who had their sins forgiven but wasted their life displeasing God.  My room in God's House would be a broom closet, if I was even that lucky.  Maybe a corner in the boiler room deep in the basement, or even a lean-to by the back gate.  I'd be wearing white but it would just be a plain gown.  Certainly no robe or sandals. 

And that is when suicide started looking like a viable option.  If I am not going to amount to anything, and I am going to Heaven anyway, and I'm not going to be getting any rewards, why not just end it now and get it over with?  Why continue in pain when there is nothing to live for?  Even after getting married I still struggled with it.  I knew how to stage a suicide and make it look like an accident.  I drove a truck. You know, hazards of the trade.  My wife would have a pile of money, so there would be nothing to worry about in that regard. 

Some would call suicide the ultimate expression of pride, utter selfishness, and the epitome of cowardice.  It can be, but I believe that in the majority of cases, I would call suicide the final act of a truly desperate and hurting soul. 

The truly desperate and hurting soul, if he survives suicidal thoughts, can go mad.  I know.  I fought off madness on more than two occasions.  Both times, as I was going down the road in my semi, I felt madness trying to overtake me.  As clear as day I saw before me a deep chasm, and voices were telling me to leap into the void.  It would have been so easy.  All I had to do was let go, to step off the ledge, and I would fall, fall, fall into sweet oblivion.  Madness would numb the pain.  The pain would feed the madness.  Madness would grow stronger and numb more pain, and the cycle would continue until the essence of what I was ceased to be.  It would amount to psychological suicide, for I saw it clearly as a choice.

Why, I do not know, but God allowed me to stave off madness and live.  And when God broke the chains of the Occult, for the first time that I can remember I had hope.  God cared enough to free me from this bondage.  It was only a sliver of one, but I had hope.  Nothing more than a match in a deep cavern, but brilliant to my dark and hopeless eyes.  Real HOPE.  Madness never more came to my door, and suicide left my thoughts as a viable course of action. I knew God cared.

At HeartChange, I finally met God.  I discovered that He had been trying to introduce Himself all along, but the spiritual environment I was in prevented Him from reaching me.  I discovered that He wasn't a tyrant.  I discovered that He paid my sin-debt because He wanted to, not because He felt obligated to.  I discovered that I wasn't good enough, that I could never be good enough, and that was OK.  He knew that going into the deal.  I discovered that He loves me more than I can ever possibly know or understand.  I discovered that He wants my company, that He is laughing and saying like the Ghost of Christmas Present: "Come, and know me better, man!"  And like Dickens' spirit, He has surrounded Himself with good things He wants me to have.  He presented to me the Cup of Divine Kindness and bade me drink my fill.  And I discovered that while my eyes were on Him,  I was being broken and unmade.

Tonight, I read on Face Book about some pain a friend of mine has.  I wrote her a public reply, and I will share that reply with you, my readers.  One of her friends commented that my friend was amazing, and then my friend denied it, saying that she is only a broken soul resting in God's Truth.  I have learned much since HeartChange, and it boils down to the following.  Here now is my reply:

"It is the broken soul resting in God's Truth that is refreshing to others. It is what draws us to you, like a butterfly to sweet nectar. The Water of Life pours forth out of those fractures that you find so painful and helps bring healing and rest to others that are suffering. God has to keep pouring His Grace into you because it continuously runs out from you to those in need. Your pain, our pain, though not pleasant, is part of God's indescribable work of Grace. Yes, we will all be healed in time, but while we heal God uses us to bring hope to the hopeless, healing to the broken, love to the unloved, and rest to the weary. We hurt, and through our hurt others come to see God.

"Our Beloved Himself endured great pain and anguish, both of the body and of the soul. He was broken so that we could be healed. He was rejected so that we could experience His love. He suffered exhaustion so that we could rest. He died so that we could live. He rose so that we could be conquerors.

"I know you do not see yourself as amazing. You are a sinner, saved by Grace, like the rest of us. What is amazing is the sweet work that God is doing in your soul. It is that work of Grace that mesmerizes and draws."

My friends, my beloved sisters and brothers, never forget that you are deeply loved of God.

Levity - A Theory on the Nature of Calories

There is a limit to the amount of navel gazing a person needs to engage in.  Part of this abundant life God desires to give us is learning how to look outside of ourselves and enjoy life, to have fun.  So, in the spirit of Pop Rocks in a room full of somber men preparing for their doctorates, please read a short email my father sent me.  He has a number of different theories, and this is the latest.  So, without further ado, please enjoy my father's theory on calories.

A Theory on the Nature of Calories

By Frank Musk

The problem with eating the cakes, pies, and cookies, not to mention all the other good stuff we have and that seems to be a contributor to weight gain is that they are so full of calories.

We had a church member over today and she was using the oven here to bake some cookies.  She gave me some of the cookie dough.  As I was eating it, it suddenly dawned on me.  As you may or may not know, the calorie is a unit of measure for energy.   The more calories the more energy.  Since heat is an energy and can be measured in calories, it stands to reason that cookies, cakes, and pies would not have nearly as many calories if they were not baked.  OBVIOUSLY, IT IS THE HEAT IN THE OVEN THAT IS GETTING INTO THE COOKIES, CAKES, AND PIES THAT GIVE THEM ALL THE CALORIES.  I am fairly certain that no one would have nearly as much of a weight problem if we ate every thing raw or uncooked.

Just think of all the implications of this theory.  Turkeys are baked.  Meat is roasted, fried, or grilled.  Fudge and other candies are boiled.  Potatoes and other such things are boiled, baked, fried, or deep fried.  The gravy is prepared over heat.  Potato chips and such like things are deep fried.  Even peanuts are roasted before we get them.  If we would just keep all our food away from any heat, we would all have less of a problem with weight.  It is the heat that is the problem.

As a corollary to this theory, I notice that placing food prepared by heating into the refrigerator and cooling them does not lessen the calories.  Obviously calories are easier to put into a substance that to get them out.  Even eating and digesting the food does not affect the calories.  The calories simply leave the digested food and stick to parts of our bodies.  So the corollary is, "Calories once placed into a food item will never leave until they can enter a substance of greater attraction, such as the human body."   Everyone knows from personal experience that calories that get into the body are nearly impossible to remove.

Here I Stand - I Can Do No Other

"Here I stand - I can do no other.  God help me. Amen."

--Martin Luther, April 18, 1520.  Before Emperor Charles V at the Diet of Worms, at the castle in Worms, Germany

I do not write out of personal anger, hatred, or bitterness at the pain I have been through, or the lies I have been told and believed.  I am not even certain if I ever was angry or bitter.  Sad, yes.  Bitter? No.  I do have burning within me a righteous indignation at the pernicious rotgut propagated amongst certain churches.

Let me be frank with you.  My outrage is not with historic fundamentalism.  Historic fundamentalism was a multi-denominational movement which embraced a strong defense of the truth of God's Word.  It stood against those who would deny core Biblical truths.  Any church which believes the following without apology is a church which believes in the fundamentals of the faith:

1.  The deity and virgin birth of Jesus Christ
2.  The substitutionary blood atonement for sin on the cross by Jesus Christ
3.  The physical death, physical burial, and physical resurrection of Jesus Christ on the third day
4.  The physical and imminent return of Jesus Christ
5.  The inerrancy of the Word of God, the Bible

Anyone who holds to these is my brother and my sister.  Anyone who adds to these may find themselves looking into the eyes of an angry lion.  Not mine, but the eyes of the Lion of Judah.  Compared to Him, I am not worthy enough to be regarded as even a kitten.

No, my outrage is not with historic fundamentalism.  My outrage is with the modern corruption of the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) church.  Too often there is a confusion of terms.  I am guilty of it as well.  Though I know what I am talking about when I say fundamentalism or fundamentalist, as do many who say such things, what I (and they) really mean is the modern IFB church.  Granted, not every IFB church is corrupt.  I want to believe that a good many, even a majority nationwide, are good.  I want to believe it.  But I am seeing more and more areas of concern even among those churches which are not extreme.  I am seeing less and less of those churches which claim the IFB label as being worth anything.  And IFBs are not the only ones experiencing these problems.  Southern Baptists and other Baptists are also growing cold.  Maybe the Baptist church as a whole has this same problem.

A good litmus test is to see how much emphasis the IFB church places on their label.  Are they openly and proud to be IFB?  Do you get the impression they are Baptists first and Christians second?  Do they glory in their independence or loudly proclaim their fundamentalist stand?  Do they use the expression "KJV Bible" or "Authorized Version" or "AV" a lot with reference to it being the only Bible a person can trust?  If you can answer yes to any of these questions, the chances are they will be in the Independent Fundamental Baptist Extreme (IFBX) camp, and you should investigate further and with a lot of prayer and care, and possibly even avoid them altogether.  If you can answer yes to all of these, FLEE!!!!  This church will suck your soul dry and leave you a mere husk of what God is desiring to grant you.

"What do you mean?" you may be asking yourself.  I will attempt to explain what I mean.  It all boils down to where the church's emphasis is.  A church may claim to preach grace for salvation but place all sorts of external conditions on a believer to maintain a good standing with God.  It all boils down to adding to what the Bible says it means to be a Believer.  A good and proper church is not going to demand from you what the Bible doesn't demand from you.  A good and proper church is not going to judge your appearance but let time and the Holy Spirit do His work in you and change you.  A good and proper church is not going to turn you into a sermon illustration.  A good and proper church is not afraid to confront your sin in a loving way.

Here are some examples of some extreme teachings commonly found in IFBX churches.

First Example:

A Christian must meet an external code of conduct.  I have touched on some of these before, but I am going to go into detail on some of the more pernicious ones here.  These laws include the following, but are not limited to them.  I am presenting these as I have heard them taught, with a few of my comments thrown in:

1. A Christian does not go to movies.  Hollywood is of the Devil, and going to movies directly supports the ungodly Hollywood actors, producers, etc.  Going to a movie means you are a weak Christian at best and fake one at worst.  You compromise with the world and God will not bless you.  However, you can rent as many movies as you like from NetFlix or Blockbuster.  Of course, some of the more hardcore proponents of this would say not to even rent movies, but watch them when they come on TV in 6 months or so after their release.  The really hardcore ones wouldn't even have a TV, but these are few, but also the most consistent.  Just remember that not everyone who doesn't have a TV is IFBX. 
2. A Christian woman is not to wear slacks.  Slacks are immodest at best and evil at worst, and a woman in slacks has a morality issue at best and is no better than a street walker at worst.  Those who say slacks are immodest would permit women to wear them in the home, and some may even allow them for certain activities in which a skirt or dress would be REALLY inappropriate, but often would require a skirt to be worn over the slacks in public.  The really hardcore ones say no slacks ever and are not afraid to destroy a woman in public by calling her a whore or even referring to her as a Jezebel. 
3. A Christian must be in church when the doors are open.  Some allow one to miss church for sickness and family emergencies only, others for work as well.  When traveling you are expected to find a like-minded church to attend. To miss church the evening of Superbowl Sunday is utterly inexcusable and demonstrates where your heart truly lies - the world is more important to you than the things of God.  If a church should dare to reschedule the evening service on Superbowl Sunday to accommodate the game (and even host a party), then that church has compromised.
4. A Christian must be actively engaged in soul winning.  A good Christian leaves tracks where ever he goes.  A good Christian confronts sinners where ever he finds them.  Sounds good, but the fact remains that Christians who leave tracks at restaurants are notoriously bad tippers.  The message is completely lost because the waitress feels slighted.  As for confronting sinners, love is often optional.  It is OK to scream out that someone is going to Hell because he/she is doing something or IS something.  I've heard IFBXs scream out that homosexuals are going to Hell, people with tattoos are going Hell, people with body piercings (other than just single piercings in each ear for ladies) are going to Hell, that if you listen to certain bands you are going Hell.  My niece was told that she was going to Hell because she wore a Black Sabbath T-shirt.  I talked to a girl who was told that she was going to burn in Hell because her name, Lea, was not spelled the Bible way - Leah.  Another girl named Sara told me the same thing.  Also, yelling out Bible verses also constitutes soul winning.  Getting someone to repeat a prayer after bulldozing them with the gospel message constitutes soul winning, and the more souls won, regardless of whether or not they ever come to church or become discipled, increases one's standing in the church
5. A Christian never listens to Devil Music, by which is meant rock 'n roll.  Drums are OK as long its the Gaithers or Gospel music.  Country music can be OK, but this is a sore spot with many.  Some say no secular music at all, while others say no secular with a back beat.  But never rock 'n roll.  Never hard rock or metal.  A person can't be a good Christian and listen to that stuff, if he is even a Christian at all. There are no real reasons given that it's bad, just that it is.  Personally, I've encountered some Country that is a lot worse than some metal I've heard, and I've heard some music from the '40s with content far worse than even some of the raunchy stuff I've heard from Country.

DISCLAIMER:  Simply because someone has chosen to live by a higher personal standard in any area of his life does not mean that person is an extremist.  People do and believe things for various reasons.  Extremism comes into play when those higher standards are required of others.

Second Example:  Here I butcher the sacred cow.  A true Christian only uses the KJV.

In the IFBX churches, the KJV (or AV or Authorized Version or simply The 1611) itself is held up to such a lofty position that it is nearly worshiped.  There are those that teach that God worked a second work of grace when the KJV was translated in that the Holy Spirit moved in the translators to the extent that the KJV is THE new inspired Word of God, superior to the Greek and Hebrew, and if the Greek or Hebrew differ from the KJV, then the Greek and Hebrew need to be corrected to conform to the KJV.  Others teach that if a person is saved out of a Bible other than the KJV, he is not truly saved.  Others add to this and declare that not only is that person not saved, but that person can never be saved and that he is now a two-fold child of Hell.  All will claim that any version other than the KJV is inferior, many going so far as to declare that every translation other than the KJV is satanic. 

I have to answer this travesty.  First, most who use the KJV and declare that the 1611 was perfect (even in the printing process) do not realize that the "1611" they hold in their hands is a 1769 update which modernizes most of the spelling, nor that there were numerous errors in the 1611 committed by the printers, such as whether it be a "He" bible or a "She" bible, the omission of differing "not"s from the 10 Commandments (depending on the printer, and such errors generating colorful titles such as "The Adulterer's Bible" or "The Murderer's Bible").

Most of those who profess any of these positions have themselves never read the "Translators Preface to the Readers," which has been left out of almost all modern printings (ca. 1890 onward - I don't know when it stopped being included as standard practice, but I do know it hasn't been included for generations), which explains their translation philosophy and pays due acknowledgment to previous translations.  This preface alone disproves any notion that the translators were working under direct Holy Spirit inspiration.  Only the autographs - the original documents of the Old and New Testaments, now long since turned to dust, - were inspired.  The KJV is nothing more than a good translation, and as such it is subject to the same inferiority of any other translation: it will never be better or even equal to the original languages - it will always be subordinate.

As to the other charges, I will let them drown in the sound of their own drivel. 

DISCLAIMER:  Just because a person uses a KJV, or even believes it is a superior translation, does not make him an extremist.  Many godly men have studied the issues and believe that the KJV is the better translation.  The extremism comes into play when they cross that boundary and prescribe to a mere translation qualities which only rightly belong to the Autographs, or decry other translations as evil.

There.  I have thrown down the gauntlet.  I have severed my ties with independent fundamentalism.  I remove myself from the Baptist camp, and I embrace the Evangelicals.  I choose Grace over a false fellowship.

I know I have just hurt some good friends, and I pray they understand that I mean them no hurt.  I know you will not agree with everything I have written.  I have spoken my conscience, flawed as it may be.  This blog is not about doctrinal perfection.  It is about my journey into Grace from bondage.  As I started out with a quote from Martin Luther, so too do I close with the same quote:

"Here I stand - I can do no other.  God help me. Amen."

Confessions of a White Washed Tomb

 When a law/works based mentality invades a church, whether it be in an Independent Fundamentalist Baptist church (IFB), or any other church, it replaces love and grace.  Law/works unites with that church in an unholy union and produces a bastard son called Pharisaism, also known as judgmentalism.  It engenders a lack of love and compassion.  It breeds a superiority complex.  It holds to a form of godliness but denies the power which comes from a true knowledge of God.  It loves confrontation - the bloodier the better.  It rots a church from within, and destroys its reputation from without.  Why is it that IFBs seem to be the most affected?  I can give you what I believe to be the answers, but that will not further the purpose of this entry.

And now, for the moment of truth.  I was a Pharisee.  I placed around the Grace of God a hedge of rules.  I thought I was being pious. I thought I was helping myself from abusing God's bountiful grace.  I was wrong.  I forsook the Grace of God and embraced the rules.  The rules became more important.  The keeping of the rules became the definition of a "good" Christian life.

I was once guilty of living by a self imposed standard, and measuring myself by that "accepted" list of Christian conduct.  I judged others by what they did or did not do.  I made myself better than them because even though I knew I didn't have it all together, at least I didn't go around doing THOSE things, or listen to THAT music, or watch THESE TV shows, or play THIS kind of video game.  I talked about other believers and bemoaned the fact that they were not living a righteous life according the standard I and others like me had set.  I gossiped.  I mocked charismatics because they had a "wrong" understanding of the Bible.  I looked down on men with longer hair.  I judged the spiritual condition of those who did not confirm to my view of "good" Christians. I even judged many of the staff I saw on the first day of HeartChange.

And then there was the guilt.  I was always out of fellowship with God.  God was always angry.  God wouldn't bless me because I always sinned.  God was far from me because I didn't pray as often as I should have.  God wouldn't come near to me because I didn't read my Bible often enough.  I believed God would put me on a shelf because I wasn't living like I should have.  I felt as I did because that is most of what I was ever preached, here in the USA anyway.  I would go forward at the altar call and pray and confess my sins and seek forgiveness.  Sometimes I felt better, but only very short term, mostly I just felt empty.  I then I hated myself because two hours later I was right back at what I had just confessed and tried to repent of.

Eventually I gave up.  I still yearned for God, and I knew I was saved, but God was out of reach.  I could never be good enough to please Him.  So, I quit.  Publicly I still tried to maintain a "good boy" image, but inwardly I let myself go.  It no longer mattered. And yet I yearned for something more.  I knew the Christian life was more than what I was experiencing, but I could never get out of the rut.  I still believed as I had before - the external standards and the guilt trips.

One day on night shift I heard a message on the radio by Erwin Lutzer which helped me identify and break the chains of the occult I had wrapped around me.  God used this message to begin the process of freeing me.  I had renewed hope that there was hope for me yet.  I wanted to study, to learn more because the church we went to, though the people were very nice and the pastor was a good man, and his wife was a sweetheart, just wasn't meeting my needs spiritually.  At least in this church I felt safe.  So, I got an iPod and began subscribing to all sorts of podcasts.  I listened to Chuck Swindol, Stephen Davey, John MacArthur, Dallas Theological Seminary chapels, the Master's Seminary chapels, Erwin Lutzer, among others.  I listened to these for six to twelve hours per day, five to six days per week depending on my routes. I did this for a long time.

And then, about three years ago, I had an epiphany.  If salvation is by grace alone by faith alone through Christ alone, and He paid the ransom for all my sin, all meaning all, then why am I beating my head against the wall because I think I have to keep getting "back" in fellowship with Him?  I AM in fellowship with him because ALL of my sins are forgiven, past - present - and future!  There is NO sin between me and God because Jesus bore them ALL on the cross.  He sees NO sin because God is looking at me through Jesus shaped glasses.  He sees NO sin because I have the righteousness of Jesus covering me completely. 

I began to realize this Truth, but I had a hard time applying it to my life.  I still wrestled with the old IFB mentality of being in/out of fellowship.  Then God moved us to North Dakota, taking us out of the IFB scene altogether, and God's grace which had taken root began to grow and flourish.  After moving here I began to realize how judgmental I had been, and I began to curb my words and think less critical thoughts.  My pastor teaches Grace, and that has only watered and fertilized the work God has been doing.  And then came HeartChange, and you know the rest of the story (if you don't, read my first blog post entitled "HeartChange" from Novemeber, 2010).

I am pleased that my Lord and Savior has chosen to begin the breaking process in me.  Many times I prayed for it, but nothing would happen.  He must have known I was going to be resistant to it.  And now, I see myself being slowly striped away.  I am glad for it.  I want less of me around.  I have seen more of what Jesus is like, and I want to be more like Him.  I am tired of my sin-riddled carcass.  I just want more Jesus.  I am tired of hiding behind what I am not.  I want to hide within the reality of Jesus and His boundless Grace.

I am breaking, and it is a glorious sight!  I am breaking, and I am at peace with the pieces.  HeartChange was the hammer blow which cracked my iron hide, a painful blow, a loving blow. And now, the Spirit of God is free to work within me.  I am no longer resistant.  The clay that I am has become supple once again, and God has chosen to form me anew.  I wonder what I will become . . . .

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! (shouting!!!)

And now that I am dying to myself, I find that I indeed "Rest In Peace."

Through the Valley of Pain

Fear.  The nameless "it" which haunts my waking thoughts, always lurking in the shadows of my mind, waiting to paralyze me.  Fear of rejection.  Fear of losing friends.  Fear of being misunderstood.  Fear of being maligned.  Fear of hurting others.  Fear of being hurt.  Fear of disappointing my parents.  Fear of failing God.  Fear of failing others.  Fear of pain.  Fear of living.  Fear of being afraid. 

I read a blog by my wife's friend yesterday.  She said some things which were triggers for me, triggers I did not know I had.  I found anger and frustration welling up inside, and it spilled over onto paper.  Without realizing what I was doing, I found that I was engaged in HeartChange Tool Kit tool #9: Letter Writing.  I had written a response to her blog, but I could not post it.  I could not click the button.  I allowed a level of timidity to prevent me.  But I will face it here.  I will roar my challenge, and I will stand my ground.  It's time to face the source of my fear - pain.

I have a lot missing from my early memories.  Almost nothing before age 5, which is probably normal.  Not much for several years after, which may be less normal.  I just noticed that have pockets of memories missing throughout my life.  I suspect nothing horrific in most, if not all of them.  Most of them are probably there to shield me from whatever pain I was feeling inwardly.

I have minimal memory of 3rd grade, however.  I know a lot of what I know simply because I was told about it years later.  Let me tell you what I do know of that year.  I was the only white boy in a school of 969 Japanese kids.  Funny how I can remember the exact number of students that year but I can't remember much else.  I remember the teacher's name, a Mr. Susumu Yamashita.  I can remember getting coal with other classmates for the coal furnace which heated the classroom - down two flights of stairs, turn left, go the end of the hall, turn right just before the gymnasium, go a little ways and turn left, turn left again and go down another flight of stairs leading below the gymnasium stage,  and there before us in large piles were tons and tons of coal.  I remember some friends.  I remember doing some things that I wish I never had.  I remember the occasional 5th/6th grader, or small pack of them, knocking me around, trying to force me to speak English.  What I don't remember is that this bullying took place on a nearly daily basis, or that I had been beaten up by groups of boys numbering up to 10, or that I feared to go to school because they were waiting for me, both before and after.  I do remember hanging around the school for longer than I needed to after class, then taking any number of longer but different ways home to confound the boys that were waiting for me.  Also I was forgetting English, so my mom insisted on teaching me English at home right after school.  I lost quite a few friends because I could not play after school.  I was not permitted even though I had promised to play and they were waiting outside.  To them I became known as a liar. Yeah.  I guess it's a good thing that most of 3rd grade is missing from my memory.  

For the next six years I was home schooled, up until I began teaching my mom Algebra in 9th grade, and I had never had it before.  I was with some other missionary kids for a year or two.  They were friends, but not always good friends.  They got me into stuff that has haunted me since.  Then I was alone for several years.  Completely alone, or so it felt.  No friends.  In some respects my growth was retarded, in other respects it seems to have accelerated some.  I remember still playing with GI Joes (the little 4 inch ones) and Transformers until I was at least 14.  They were my friends.  Even now, I freak out at the idea of parting with them.  The Joes, I can part with those.  The Transformers, don't even think about it.  They are with me, even now, in my office.  Though inanimate, they were always there for me when I needed them.  Some other missionaries came during my last year or so at home, but their kids were messed up a lot worse than I was, and I don't consider myself really messed up.  I can call them playmates, but not really friends.  It may be a good thing that there are holes in my memory from this period of my life.

In 10th through 12th grade I went to a Christian school in South Carolina and graduated with honors.  I respected my friends because once they found out that I wasn't going to budge on obeying my parents, they never more asked me if I wanted to go do things with them that I wouldn't have been allowed to do, such as go to the movies.  It would have been nice to have been asked on occasion, even though I would have had to say "no."  At least I would have known I was being thought of.  I've always felt socially awkward, anyway.  In any gathering of people I felt like the albatross around the mariner's neck.  And then came senior trip.  Some of my high school classmates said they hated our senior trip, and other aspects of our senior year.  I loved it.  I remember being at a low point in my life one particular evening after our day's tour. We had a general assembly, with our school administrator conducting the meeting.  I don't remember what was discussed, probably a word from Holy Writ, and we were encouraged to share.  I remember saying that I had trouble accepting myself.  Never before had I felt accepted like I did that night as classmate after classmate gave me words of encouragement and acceptance.  That one moment has done more to sustain me over the following years than any other single event.  It stands as a beacon of God's love in an otherwise foggy night of walking barefoot on a path with sharp rocks at irregular intervals.

And then I went to Bible college, where I learned how to truly fake Christianity.  In class after class, we were taught that real Christians do not listen to music with a back beat.  Real Christian men do not "drink, smoke, cuss, or chew, or go with the girls that do."  For God's people there is no room for divorce no matter how bad the abuse gets.  Godly Christians do not do C D F or G, and never ever H, but they also must do W X Y and Z, and occasionally they can get by without doing W, but don't push it.  If at any point in his life, even prior to salvation, if a man has done M, then he is bared forever from the ministry.  Or, should he happen to marry a woman who has done L M or N, then likewise he is bared from serving God in a formal capacity.  He might be allowed to teach an adult Sunday school class, but that is to be evaluated on a case by case basis.  These people over here are OK to hang out with, but do not associate with those over there because they hang with people who hang out with people who hang out with people who associate loosely with people we don't associate with. I could go on and on.

Then started the attacks as kids from "good and proper" churches who could not handle someone who thought differently than they did challenged my beliefs on the doctrine of election (I'm a Five Pointer all the way) and on the KJV (it is only a translation, nothing more).  Then came the personal attacks as I shut each one down because none of my opponents could make a coherent argument because none of them had ever bothered to research the issues for themselves. They only parroted their infallible pastors (I'm not kidding. These kids actually believed that everything their pastor said was Truth).  Then came the rude shout-downs as they would attack my position verbally, loudly, in a crowd of people but refuse to let me speak in my defense.  Then came the rumors, the slander, the malignment as they sought their vengeance, spreading lies about what I believed, destroying my reputation.  After four years, I left without graduating, sick of the lies, the gossip, the double standards, the fake Christians, the obvious favoritism among the staff, and the nauseating self-righteousness of many of my peers.


I then moved back to the Greenville, South Carolina, area where I found a job and tried to find a good church to go to.  I only found what I left at Bible college, only more of it.  In one church, the singles' class all but shunned me because I did not graduate from their school.  At another I was made painfully aware that I was not wanted because I looked and dressed different than them - I wore a beard, a wide brimmed Australian hat, and a duster.  At a different church not only did I experience the first two, but also I was further hated and maligned because on an outing, I dared to talk and spend some time with a fellow missionary girl who was mostly by herself who few others seemed to be talking to.  Come to find out somebody in the group liked her, so the rumor was that I was trying to steal his girlfriend - news to her (and me), since she hardly even knew the guy.  So, the petty factions united against me because I was supposedly engaged in an unwritten taboo.

During this period I would spend months at a time not attending any church because all attempts ended in pain.  Some people told me that I needed to be in church, to keep looking for a good church to go to.  The problem was that these WERE the good churches, according to standards I believed in, good and proper Independent Fundamental Baptist churches.  They had the best pastors, the best music, the best ministries, the best people (supposedly).  Among the adults I was accepted and welcomed, but my peers rejected me with the exception of two, one of which moved away quickly thereafter.  Oh, there were other churches I could have attended, but they all used the "wrong music" in church, or their dress standards were "loose" or substandard (i.e. the women wore slacks to church, and some men wore jeans and T-shirts)," or what have you.


So, let me ask you.  Whether right or wrong, is it realistic to expect someone to continue to subject himself to pain and rejection simply to satisfy the mandate placed on him by others to "be in church?"  You see, the conventional wisdom among IFBs (Independent Fundamental Baptists) is that if the doors of the church are open, then a person should make every effort to be there.  Also, there is never a good excuse to not be in church, so even if you suffer hurt in your church, you need to be there, because it is not about you.  It is about honoring God.  Besides, you can still get something from the message.  

Oh, really?  Let me ask you another one.  How am I supposed to get anything out of the message when all I feel are my wounds throbbing?  I tried the "be in church because it honors God" route.  All I got were more wounds from people in a church from which God had long since departed.  Is it honoring to God for me to deliberately subject myself to hurt for His name's sake in a church He wouldn't even attend?  I've been told to "suck it up" and keep doing what I know is right, because to do otherwise is sin.  So, which is right?  To protect myself from hurt from people who claim to be God's own, or to go to church so that I can let "God's own" carve me up?  I felt as if I were expected to be a masochist. Others would tell me to hang in there because I am being persecuted for the sake of Christ.  Really?  Was I really being persecuted for Jesus' sake?  Or was I just being bullied?  Again?  If I had even an inkling that maybe I was being persecuted, I would have felt a hundred times better about going to church.  At least I would have known that my sufferings were not in vain.


Let me ask another.  Isn't church, the gathering of God's people, supposed to be a time of encouragement, renewal, and healing?  Am I supposed to prepare for the pain I will face in the world by being stabbed by those I am supposed to trust?  Was this God's intent for the church?  HELL NO!!!!!  Does it happen? Unfortunately, yes.  And it seems to happen most among IFB churches.  IFBs seem to be the only ones that love to shoot their wounded, then go out of their way to look for the weak among them to destroy.  Hurting people in IFB churches generally do not allow anyone to know their hurt because they know they will be either dismissed or attacked.  Yeah, I had the old "it's just in your head" handed to me a few times.  I've been told to "take these verses, wash them down with prayer, and call me in the morning if you don't feel better."  I know many who have been attacked, run out of church, yanked from their ministries, all because they dared to expose their hurts or struggles and simply wanted prayer.

I know that not all of them are like that.  I have been in a couple in my life that I would say try hard to be a proper New Testament church.  I know that there are others out there.  There have to be.  God has always saved for himself a remnant.  Unfortunately, I am finding more churches outside the IFBs that try to be as God's heart would have them be.  

The pain is there.  I have it, and it goes deep.  I hurt.  I still hurt.  These memories are painful.  But, I have a choice.  I can live in my past and wallow in my suffering, or I can chose to hand everything over to Jesus and grow in His grace.  Several HeartChange tools from their magnificent Tool Kit are in play here on this blog.  Here are the ones that I see applying:

• #4:  Negative Tapes - the way I feel now about myself is usually the result of something in my past which I keep replaying in my mind, something I am believing which keeps me defeated.  My past influences how I see myself and how I expect God to be seeing me.
• #5:  Victim/Choice/Accountability - I have the power to choose how I will respond to my circumstances. I can either repent and receive forgiveness, or I can forgive and bless, depending on the circumstances.
• #9:  Letter Writing - this blog turned into an open letter of sorts, not addressed to anyone in particular.  By writing, I am able to bring to the surface much of my pain which has kept me from thriving in Jesus as I should be able to.
• #16: The Waterfall of Grace - God's grace is available to me in the shape of my need.  I chose to step into it.
• #20: Blessings - I will consistently think and speak encouragement from God to myself and to others.

I choose not to play the tapes anymore.  They are part of who and what I am, but they don't have to define me or influence me anymore.  I choose to forgive those who wronged me, the older kids when I was in school, and my peers in college and afterword.  I sincerely desire God's blessings upon them all, and if possible, the very blessings of HeartChange.  I do not blame my parents for everything they tried to do to help me.  How could they know that the very thing they did to try to help me was the very thing that caused me more hurt?  How could I, who could no longer formulate a simple sentence in English, adequately communicate with them who had to work hard to formulate a sentence in Japanese?  We had developed a language barrier.  No, I do not blame them for anything they lovingly tried to do for me.  I choose now to step into the waterfall of His grace, and I will allow God to fill the holes I have, to salve my wounds, and to hold me close.  And when the negative tapes begin to play, I will remember my dagger, and I will remember the blessings spoken to me at HeartChange.

I am blessed, and I am at peace.

Being Real

The ancient Greeks loved to philosophize.  They tried to explain the universe they lived in by observing, thinking, formulating ideas, and debating those ideas.  One premise which surfaced nearly five centuries before Christ stated that for something to be considered real, it had to be constant, or unchanging.  This postulation led to a plethora of ideas, going from "different" to "just plain weird."  One philosopher, some time removed from when the premise originated, said that it is never possible to step into the same river twice, because when the traveler returns, erosion has changed the river in some minute way, and thus it is no longer the same river, and thus the river is not real and does not exist.  Another philosopher, some years later, decided that it is not possible to step into the same river even once, because it is changing as one is placing his foot into it, therefore the river cannot be real or even exist.  Still others went on to say that because everything changes, nothing is real and nothing can exist.

They reasoned on this premise for centuries, and these ancient thinkers could never reconcile their intellect with their observations. Some dismissed their observations as false.  Some recognized a flaw somewhere and tried to figure out where they went wrong.  A few probably even went mad trying to figure it all out.  But they never questioned the premise.  They never realized that the very foundation of their thinking was flawed, and so their conclusions were flawed.

Like the Greek philosophers of old  I, too, lived my life on a false premise. I lived my life believing that by conforming myself, even in some small degrees, to the expectations or standards of others, that I was not only doing myself a favor, but I was also honoring them.  I thought I was practicing deference.  This lead to a duality in my life which could not be sustained.  Consider the following graphic:

It summarizes well my dilemma.  I stood in the middle, and I had to try to balance who I was in private with who I was in the presence of others.  I am not saying that I deliberately hid aspects of my life, though I dare say that there is not a person alive who does not have or had at least one skeleton lurking in a forgotten closet, plastered over and blissfully out of sight and mind.  Instead of hiding my life, per se, I simply did not bring up certain topics, or I did not include myself in certain conversations.  Hiding tends to involve deception, and to my knowledge I never deliberately deceived.  If asked a point blank question, I did not shy from giving a point blank answer.  It just so happened that most people just weren't curious or obnoxious enough to ask.

For a person to keep growing, and to even be able to stand firm in his convictions, he must not be afraid to question himself and his beliefs.  But just questioning will tend to make one goofy in his thinking.  The questioner must have a standard against which he can question, and this standard is the inerrant and divine Word of God.

I have questioned the existence of God, and He has mightily shown Himself to exist.  I have questioned the authenticity of the Bible, and God has demonstrated its full truthfulness.  I have questioned my reason for being, and God has shown that He has a purpose, though I do not know what that is as of yet.  I have questioned my beliefs, and some I have amended, others I have abandoned.  I have questioned authority, and God has shown me that I must obey it, starting with Him, and then human authority so long it does not conflict with God's, and that blind allegiance to human authority is wrong.  I have questioned my standards of personal conduct, and some I have amended, and others I have abandoned.

This brings me to the point of my blog.  I have changed over the years, but some elements of my change I have been very guarded over.  That stops now.  There are some who read this blog who may be saddened by what they read.  Others will smile.  Others will be shocked.  Others may even rejoice.  A few may feel betrayed.  Some may even see this as an opportunity to try to destroy me. Am I worried?  To answer this question, I will quote from a much maligned Disney film, the Lion King - "Hakuna Matata" (it's Swahili meaning " There are no worries."  Imagine that . . .).  Why no worries?  It's all been handed over to God. 

Why am I doing this? HeartChange Tool Kit - Rule #15: Truth vs. My Reality.  Do you remember, from my last blog entry, that I had received a new name, even if it was for a day?  I was White Washed Tomb.  To not expose myself now is to hide behind the veneer of my carefully constructed and decorated shell.  By exposing myself, by being real, and letting you see who I really am, I am shattering that wall from within, and I am declaring that I will live by Grace and not by the dictates of men.  I will not be enslaved to what I believe others expect of me, nor to conventional norms.  To expose myself means to surrender my pride, something of which I am in no danger of running out of any time soon.  The most important reason for doing this, though, is because I believe it is honoring to God, and that this is what He desires me to do.  So, without further ado, I will open my trench coat (so you can see my superhero shorts and saintly body, completely clothed from the knees up, of course).

First of all, I listen to wild music.  Oh, I do enjoy the whole spectrum of what is loosely termed "classical."  I also enjoy a variety of very conservative Christian music.  But I must confess I have a weakness for hard rock/metal.  I love ZZ Top (Blues - I know), and I especially delight over Petra.  I am warming up to Sovereign Grace Music, along with Chris Tomlin and others like him.  I have heard music I like from various CCM musicians in recent months.  I really enjoy the music of Sarah Brightman, and I love the music of Nightwish, a Finnish operetic/symphonic metal band (they have quite an amazing female vocalist).

Second, I will be getting a tattoo.  It's not a question of "if," but rather when and which one and where.  I found a tribal lion I really like.  I am also considering a large serpentine oriental dragon coiling its way around my arm from my left shoulder down to my left elbow.  I do want something on the back of my right shoulder which looks like a product label which reads "Made in Japan," perhaps with a bar-code that will scan to display my birthday.  On my right upper arm I am considering a cherry blossom pattern on a field of bright blue.  Who knows.  I may even go really wild and pierce an ear and wear a big gold earring like a pirate. :)

Third, I have no problem with lighting up a pipe or a cigar.  (Ever hear of C.H. Spurgeon?)

Fourth, I have no problem with the temperate use of alcohol.  I don't have a problem with downing a beer.  So far, I have only had non-alcoholic beer.  I don't intend to drink hard liquor, not because I believe it is evil, but because I am afraid of it.  I do not wish to open the gates to potential abuse.  Having said that, though, I am warming up to the idea of a mild nightcap (again, C.H. Spurgeon).

Fifth, I have no problem with gambling.  I buy the occasional  lottery ticket.  I like playing poker (though I do not enjoy betting money or using chips - I would rather play with M&Ms or Skittles) and Black Jack.  Even slot machines I consider to be just fine.  I like dice.  Most games are a waste of time and/or money.  But, as you can see, there are a few I like.

Sixth, I have no problem going to our local movie theater.

Seventh, I have no problem eating a meal in a tavern.


That may be enough for now.  Honestly I am unable to think of anything else to put down.  Besides, I've put enough to give the average Independent Baptist a fit of sputters and high blood pressure.

There may be elements I exposed here which may not be right.  Others may not be wise.  I am simply telling you who I am right now, at this moment in time, one life to another, heart to heart.  Judge me if you wish.  Release me from your friendship if you must.  Curse me if you feel so led.  I do not care.  My God is my sufficiency, and I embrace His grace.  He will protect me and fight for me.  He will correct me and lead others to me to encourage me in the way I should go.

I am at peace.

HeartChange

Welcome to Thoughts Beyond Time.

A new friend of mine recently stated that he had misunderstood his existence.  He thought he was a physical being having a spiritual experience, when in reality he was a spiritual being having a physical experience.  I agree.  We are spiritual beings, and though our present and physical existence is linear, our spirits are eternal, and one day we will transcend the boundaries of space and time when we return to the feet of our Creator.

I met this friend, now a brother-in-arms, at HeartChange.  In Oregon.  Eastern Oregon.  FAR eastern Oregon.  I live in North Dakota, roughly 1000 miles away.

So, what would posses me to make a 2000+ mile round trip in mid November to Oregon in an '98 Chevy Silverado K1500?  Well, simply put, HeartChange.  You can find them here: www.heartchange.org 

I wasn't thrilled about participating.  I really didn't want to be there.  My wife needed help.  But why would I need any?  After all, I grew up in church.  I've been learning theology ever since I can remember.  I knew all the answers.  I can parse out and coherently argue nit-picky details with the best theology professors on the planet.  If anyone needed help, it would not be me.  The Holy Spirit would use my vast knowledge and show me where I needed to change.

. . . . Did anyone notice a common thread in that last paragraph?  Did you notice how many times the first person pronouns were used?  13 instances in that short paragraph. I needed HeartChange.  I didn't know it because I had too much of a preoccupation with how great and smart I was.  In short, I was proud, exulting in my own glory and greatness, happy to worship myself and pay lip-service to God.  I needed HeartChange.  The Holy Spirit couldn't fill me and help me because I was too full of myself.  I had to be broken so that I would be spilled out completely.  Then the Holy Spirit could mend me and fill me with His presence.  I needed HeartChange.

What can I say?  HeartChange was an incredible experience.  I want everyone to go, and from the sounds of it, many want to go.  They have a waiting list half a mile long of people who want to experience what I experienced, to be able to walk a new journey with Creator God and call Him "Daddy," and to be filled with such a wonder and awe to not only know that God loves them but also to feel that He loves them.  Broken hearts begin to mend, and wounds of the heart long left festering or bleeding begin to heal.


At some point on the second day I was given a new name.  I became White Washed Tomb.  The people of HeartChange have incredible insight.  I could not believe that they saw right through me.  My new name exposed me for what I truly was.

Until the end of the next day I remained White Washed Tomb.  We went through various processes over those days to help us confront our deepest shames and darkest haunts.

At the end of the second day, we went through a process in which we named the various components of the wall that we had built up around our hearts, and used various sized boxes to build a physical representation of them.  I had a wall nearly six feet high.  For the crowning brick I took off my name tag and placed it on top. I wanted to be rid of who and what I had become.  My small group leader, Brent (totally awesome dude), asked me if I wanted to break it down.  I thought for a moment, then asked him to do it in my stead.  All of my life, insofar as I can remember, I have tried to do things in my own power, and consequently sank myself to newer and lower lows, making a mess of my life.  I requested Brent to step in, and in a physical representation of the working of the Holy Spirit, he smashed my wall asunder.

That same night we had to formulate a "dagger."  A dagger, in this context, is a statement, a tool that we can use to remember the work God did in our hearts.  It states concisely how God views each person individually, and it is something that can be and is intended to be used when we fall under spiritual attack and are faced with temptation.  Mine is as follows:

"I am a warrior, forged in adversity by my Lord and Captain, unfettered and at peace."

Later on the third night I received a new name - Lion of Peace.  I have embraced my name, and it is now my blog signature.

The whole experience, though difficult at first, beyond question encompassed some of the greatest moments of my life to date, the undisputed first and greatest being the very day of my salvation - Friday, April 19, 1996, 17:15 PM Central Time.

May God be with you.