Levity - A Theory on the Nature of Calories

There is a limit to the amount of navel gazing a person needs to engage in.  Part of this abundant life God desires to give us is learning how to look outside of ourselves and enjoy life, to have fun.  So, in the spirit of Pop Rocks in a room full of somber men preparing for their doctorates, please read a short email my father sent me.  He has a number of different theories, and this is the latest.  So, without further ado, please enjoy my father's theory on calories.

A Theory on the Nature of Calories

By Frank Musk

The problem with eating the cakes, pies, and cookies, not to mention all the other good stuff we have and that seems to be a contributor to weight gain is that they are so full of calories.

We had a church member over today and she was using the oven here to bake some cookies.  She gave me some of the cookie dough.  As I was eating it, it suddenly dawned on me.  As you may or may not know, the calorie is a unit of measure for energy.   The more calories the more energy.  Since heat is an energy and can be measured in calories, it stands to reason that cookies, cakes, and pies would not have nearly as many calories if they were not baked.  OBVIOUSLY, IT IS THE HEAT IN THE OVEN THAT IS GETTING INTO THE COOKIES, CAKES, AND PIES THAT GIVE THEM ALL THE CALORIES.  I am fairly certain that no one would have nearly as much of a weight problem if we ate every thing raw or uncooked.

Just think of all the implications of this theory.  Turkeys are baked.  Meat is roasted, fried, or grilled.  Fudge and other candies are boiled.  Potatoes and other such things are boiled, baked, fried, or deep fried.  The gravy is prepared over heat.  Potato chips and such like things are deep fried.  Even peanuts are roasted before we get them.  If we would just keep all our food away from any heat, we would all have less of a problem with weight.  It is the heat that is the problem.

As a corollary to this theory, I notice that placing food prepared by heating into the refrigerator and cooling them does not lessen the calories.  Obviously calories are easier to put into a substance that to get them out.  Even eating and digesting the food does not affect the calories.  The calories simply leave the digested food and stick to parts of our bodies.  So the corollary is, "Calories once placed into a food item will never leave until they can enter a substance of greater attraction, such as the human body."   Everyone knows from personal experience that calories that get into the body are nearly impossible to remove.