Saturday, January 15, 2011

When the Darkness Bites

I fell asleep fairly quickly that night.  When I awoke I thought I was in a scene from Robin Cook's medical thriller Coma.  I was laying down on my back, my legs straight, my feet together and pointing up, my arms fully extended and neatly tucked against my side, my head positioned perfectly on a pillow.  Only there was no pillow, and I wasn't laying on anything.  I was suspended in mid-air.  I do not know what was below me or above me or around me.  I don't know how far of a drop I would have had could I have known it.  All I could see was a gray mist.  Only a gray mist.  The mist wasn't cold, and it wasn't wet.  It just was.  And then a gentle breeze blew on me for a moment.  I can only describe it as like a comet made up of a dense mass of air moving through the mist.  I say this because a moment later another one brushed me from a different direction.  I was curious as to what was going on, and then my curiosity slowly turned horror, and horror to dread as more and more of these air-comets flew by me, around me, through me.  I knew what they were.  Spirits.  Unfriendly spirits.  Evil spirits.  In a word, demons.  I was powerless.  I couldn't move.  I couldn't escape.  And I tried to scream, the only time in my life where I was truly in such terror that I needed to scream.  Nothing came out.  My heart was pounding faster than if I had just tried to run a mile.  I knew I couldn't speak, but I knew that God knew my thoughts.  I cried out for Him to help me, to save me from this horror.  No sooner had I thought it than a large pair of hands came down from above and cupped under me.  The air-comets instantly stopped, and all around me was only calm.  The hands lifted me up through the mist and into perfect darkness, and then back up into my own body.  As I opened my eyes, I discovered that I was laying in bed the exact way I was suspended in the mist.  The blanket, sheets, and pillows were all neat, everything with perfect angles and no wrinkles, as if the bed had been made and not slept in.  But here I was in the bed, as if I had been brought up into from below.  I felt only peace and security.  All fear was gone, and moments later I fell back into a peaceful sleep.

The Bible does not say much about the ways of our Enemy, such as the details in how he works and the ruination he brings on lives.  The Bible is not a book of darkness, but of light.  It was wise for God to not tell us much, but what He did reveal to us is sufficient.  The Bible well warns us to be wise concerning what is good and innocent concerning what is evil (Romans 16:19).  The reason for this is because we become what we gaze at.  If we stare at evil long enough, we will be influenced by it.  But, if we gaze at our Beloved, we will be more like Him, and we will know the workings of the Enemy when we come across them.

A good example of this is from The Lord of the Rings.  The five wizards in Tolkien's world (Gandalf, Saruman, Radagast, and two others who were never named) were not mortal.  They were good spirits sent from Valinor (similar to Heaven) to Middle-Earth as guides of men.  Wise and strong, they voluntarily surrendered their glory and vast powers and agreed to bind themselves in human form.  They retained their immortality, and though they knew many things they were not omniscient.  They could be surprised just like any other mortal, and they had free will like any other mortal.  The greatest, and therefore head, of these wizards was Saruman.   I am a bit hazy on when Saruman began studying the Ring, but I believe it was about the time that Isuldur cut it from Sauron's finger.  The ring was a thing of evil, having within itself the very life essence of Sauron, the Dark Lord.  As Saruman began studying the Ring, he had to focus on a lot of evil in order to understand how it was made.  Such dark learning slowly corrupted Saruman's mind until in the end he became the very thing he set out to destroy.  What once was good in Saruman turned to evil, and his end (different from the movie) is as tragic as it is lonely.

I said all that to say this:  Do not research the doings of our Enemy.  Study Christ.  Learn Christ.  Gaze on Christ, and when you encounter the counterfeit and villainy of the Enemy, you will know it, and then run to Christ for shelter.  The study of evil is subtle and seductive.  Do not indulge in it.  Flee from it.  Purpose in your heart to know only Christ and His Truth.  I cannot say this enough.  Keep away, far away, from ANYTHING which remotely even smells of the Occult.  It can suck you in and entrap you in ways that you will not even recognize.  It places velvet chains around your heart which feel luxurious to the touch, but harden to adamant in an instant.  The knowledge flatters your pride, then enslaves you.

I approach this topic with fear and prayer.  I do not wish to make anyone curious and go off and look into the things I looked into, but I must say something to warn you good people not to travel my road.   O God, protect those who read this, and may the sincerity with which I write be evident, and may they take my warnings to heart, and shy away from forbidden knowledge. Amen.

If this topic fills you with fear, then please stop reading now.  My opening paragraph would have made my skin crawl if I was the one reading this instead of writing it.  I will not be insulted, nor will I look down on you, if you cannot finish this post.  I would rather you look away than bring harm to yourself.  Somethings to follow could cause nightmares to those who are susceptible to such.  I do not wish to overstate what I am saying here, but I also desire to be perfectly clear that I would rate this post as an R.

My night time experience, as I opened my blog with, happened while I was a junior in high school.  I was researching witchcraft for my junior term paper on the Salem witchcraft trials of the 1690s.  I had been exposed to some Occultic elements prior to this, but now having researched it, I found it to be not as "bad" as I had been led to believe.  Or so I thought in my pride.  The secret is that the Enemy makes evil look "not so bad" or even quite innocent.  The materials I read convinced me that the threat was overrated, and so I was emboldened to dig deeper.  Oddly enough, I didn't do anything else with the Occult until Bible college.  The information just sat there, putting down roots, and continually growing and deceiving me.

During Bible college, which is IFB, I began going deeper.  I understood from my Biblical background that all supernatural activity associated with the Occult was Satanic in origin.  Men (and women) were empowered by demons to do astounding feats.  I no longer cared.  During the day and evenings I studied for my Bible exams and learned my Bible verses.  But when I could steal a moment I meditated on Occult themes.  I read materials in the school library.  I read accounts about ancient Babylon.  I developed a sense for spirits.  I began to know where some spirits were and what direction they were traveling, or if they were in the room.

And I began to gain power.  At times raw power coursed through me, and I became addicted to its feeling.  I could walk through the dorms and send guys who could snap me in two scrambling out of my way just by looking into their eyes.  I saw genuine fear in those eyes.  And. I. Loved. It.

I wanted more power.  I knew spells and potions were nothing but words and gimmicks, crutches for the weak. I had set myself on the path to becoming a warlock of the first degree.  Twice I walked out into the woods to give myself over to the Devil.  In full knowledge of what that would mean to me, including my eternal fate, I sought more power to my own destruction.  I was willing to remove myself voluntarily from the Grace of God forever.

(long breath. exhale. pause)

But God was not willing.  On both occasions He stopped my mouth.  I could not utter the words.  They echoed in my mind, but they never made it to my tongue.  On these occasions I look back and see clearly God's intervention.  And may He be praised ever more for preventing me from making such a mistake.  On April 19, 1996, at 17:15 on a Friday, God reached down and saved my soul.

Some things in my life changed, but not all.  My active ties to the Occult were severed instantly, but the chains which bound me were still there.  I tried to seek help and went for counseling, but I wasn't taken seriously.  In that IFB environment, I had no concept of the Grace of God after salvation.  I was actually told by my counselor that everything bad in my life, or would go bad in my life, I could blame on my Occultic involvement.  What I heard was that there was no hope for someone like me.  He did not offer me hope I so desperately needed.  He offered blame-shifting.  I tried to take ownership of my problems and was told to blame something else.  I never went back to him.  Who was my counselor? Only one of the vice presidents of the college and dean of the Christian counseling department.

After my salvation, I really became disquieted in my spirit there, and now I understand why.  My spirit was suffocating under a graceless burden of laws.  I flunked the next three semesters for various reasons (the last one I was so ill for 8 weeks that I couldn't study, and I was not allowed to see a doctor), and I was asked not to return (I recently inquired about going back, but was actually discouraged from doing so because the requirements under which I would have been allowed back would have been so draconian that even the head of admissions recommended that I not return.)

When I left Bible college, I immersed myself in Dungeons & Dragons (I've touched on this in regard to another issue in my post "A Struggle of Life and Death").  It consumed me for a decade.  I played with whomever I could whenever I could, and through work I ended up in a group that smoked pot and drank.  They new I didn't do any of that, and they were a good bunch in the sense that they didn't force anything onto me or even ask me if I wanted any.  They showed me respect and acceptance for who I was as I was, and those unsaved young men showed me more Grace and what it means to Love Biblically than many who name the precious name of Jesus.

Though my involvement in Dungeons & Dragons may in and of itself not have been Occultic, there is a darkness inherent in that gaming system.  There are supplemental materials which can turn even the strongest stomach, and there are whole volumes focusing solely on evil.  My involvement certainly didn't help my bondage any.  Nothing peculiar happened in any game session I was in, but I've heard of some hair raising happenings.  (And, FYI, Jack Chic is completely wrong in his little comic book portrayal of D&D.  Just thought I'd mention that.)

Other dark areas of interest to me included medieval torture methods, and vampires.  I researched these for a long time, especially vampires, at least since high school.  Vampires are a dark topic, and I will say no more on it other than it is godless, and please stay away.  You don't want to go down that road.  Trust me.  I've been there.

I also began hearing voices.  Voices telling me to do horrible things to people.  Voices blaspheming God.  Voices telling me to take my own life.  Voices telling me that I wanted to let go of my sanity and go mad.  Yes, I fought off madness.  Twice.  The spiritual oppression under which I found myself was so strong that I thought it was my own depravity.  I thought all of these evil thoughts and wicked imaginings were coming from my own desperately wicked heart.  I fought depression through this because I had no hope.  I believed I was wicked because that is what the Bible says about me, right?  I mean isn't that what Romans chapter 3:10-12 says? - "As it is written: "None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one." (ESV)

That had been hammered into me since high school.  When all I hear is that I am evil, wicked, vile, and worthless, and nothing about Grace, Love, and Worth after salvation, then what am I supposed to believe?  I hated myself over my depravity and inability to change.  I hated myself because I was stuck and couldn't get out.

Here is where I am really going to give your theology a run for its money.  I do not believe that any devil can possess a child of God.  I believe that the Bible is clear that a child of God is already a dwelling place of the Holy Spirit, and that there is no place for any demon or devil physically within a child of God.  So, having said that, I will tell you what has happened to me. 

On more than one occasion, at least twice that I can recall, I have lost all conscious control of my right arm.  I had images pop into my head of horrible atrocities committed against a person or persons, and my right arm began to move of its own accord to fulfill these images.  On both occasions I made the muscles in my right arm scream from the strain of keeping my arm in check, and I grasped my right wrist with my left hand so tightly that my bones hurt.  I was physically shaking from the effort of fighting my own arm.  I begged God for strength, and God granted strength and victory.

The demons were toying with me.  I know.  They couldn't possess me, but they could influence me.  They could try to drive me mad.  They could move parts of my body around from outside of me, much like a child plays with a doll.  I lived in fear that one day I would lose control and hurt my family, my wife and kids.  Yes, this happened after I was married for a while.

I finally found deliverance one day, or night rather.  Dr. Erwin Lutzer was speaking on Seven Snares of the Believer's Life, which was a series of messages from his book Seven Snares of the Enemy.  I was on night shift, shuttling engines and racks back and forth from the Caterpillar plant to the warehouse, and I would listen to Christian radio.  I didn't usually get to listen to him much because I was usually doing something at that time which required me to be out of my truck.  This time he was speaking on the Occult, and I begged God to allow me hear the messages.  I don't know if you have ever heard his broadcast "Running to Win," but it comes on for fifteen minutes, five days per week, with a recap at the beginning from the previous segment.  So for me to be able to hear his messages for three or four days in a row was a minor miracle, and God worked it out.

I discovered that I was chained by the Occult, and the blood of Jesus set me free on the last night of the messages.  Instantly I knew what I had to do, but I put it off because I was working 80+ hours a week and didn't have time.  And then one night at work, about 4 weeks later at 00:42, I received a phone call from my wife.  The couch just moved, and she was sitting on it quietly when it moved.  I went home immediately.  I knew what had happened.  I walked all around the house to make sure all was secure.  It was.  I went inside and checked every closet, nook, and cranny.  I even opened the fridge and pantry.  Nothing.  So, I went into my office, turned on my computer, and began writing what turned into a three page letter while I processed the information (I will write to think through a deep issue).  We had a demon in the house.  While I was doing this I sensed that presence come in through my office door.  It moved towards me and entered my body.  My skin got icy cold where it made contact, and I had chills, but just in the outline of where the spirit entered me.  I prayed, I plead the blood of Jesus, and I commanded the spirit to leave in Jesus name, and never to return.  I then felt the spirit leave my body the same way it entered, and then it was gone.

The next day I gathered all of the Dungeons & Dragons stuff I could find, and I burned them all.  A couple of weeks earlier I had found a book, but when I went looking for it to burn it, I couldn't find it.  Thinking I had simply misplaced it I thought no more on the matter until we moved, where I found it in a box which was buried in the back of a stack of boxes five high and three deep, a box which had not been opened since we moved there, a box which was still taped shut and sealed.  Some entity had moved that book and some related material into that other box.

It was after this that I began listening to many, many sermons on my iPod.  I listened to well over 500 hours of sermons and chapel messages from non-IFB churches and seminaries, and that is when I began to understand Grace.

Some time after this I decided to test the waters, so to speak.  I still had a really strong desire to play D&D, and so I indulged and thought maybe a D&D video game would be OK.  I purchased a used one and played it, and I had a blast.  It was a fix for an addict, and I was euphoric.  Until I went to sleep that night.  That night I was tormented by numerous demons all night long until my alarm clock went off in the morning (these were red and emaciated and grotesque looking, with long leathery wings and long sharp claws and hideous teeth).  After work that game went back to the store and I exchanged it for another.  I have been torment free ever since.  And my desire to play D&D has seriously waned after this incident.  I still struggle with twinges of desire, but God has given me the grace to fight them.

And then we moved, and now we are here, in a Grace filled church.  I have been through HeartChange, and I know God in ways that before I could never have imagined.

The toxins of the enemy are being slowly purged from my system.  I can't get the image out of my mind of receiving an injection of Grace, and then these green, poisonous vapors start oozing from my pores and evaporate into nothingness.  A bit nerdy, I know.

The Enemy is subtle, and very powerful.  But he is still a created being who will ultimately be forced to bow to his Creator.  Jesus has already conquered him, and now he is throwing a tantrum.  He knows he is doomed, and he seeks to take as many with him as he can.  He is not to be underestimated.  But God is stronger, and His power will see you through.  His power will free you.  For the Word of God says in 1 John 4:4b ". . . for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world." (ESV)

Listen, my friends.  There is hope for you as well.  God reached down and gave me a single sliver of hope, and a hint of His love and of greater things, and it was a lifeline to me.  It was a single, small shaft of light which let me see one step, and then another, toward my Beloved.  He broke my chains.  He renewed my heart.  He gave me Grace and Love and Mercy and every good thing.  He can do the same for you.  Dare to trust Him, and see what He can do for you!

Let the Love of our Beloved rain down upon you.  May His mercy enshroud you.  May His Grace overflow in your heart and soul.  God in God, my friends.  You are loved beyond measure.

1 comment:

  1. Wow Dear this entry is heavy yet full of redemption. You have made yourself a target to the judgments of others, even christians. You tell of His wonderful grace and how He is not bound by our rules and doctrines. Others say they can see the change that GRACE DID make in you, of course I see it more to a degree simply because I am your wife and am rejoicing in My Savior because of it. Overjoyed that we got to be at HeartChange together, was the greatest experience since salvation. I love you and stand with you and for you.

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