Destroyer of Souls

 Is it possible for a wound to go so deep that it is bottomless?

Am I able to wound myself so deeply that I have no end to the anguish?

Am I capable of hurting another human being so deeply that I destroy his soul?

Yes.

There is nothing that I am not capable of.  Given the right people around me and the right set of circumstances, there is no height I cannot achieve, and there is no depth to which I cannot descend.  I am capable of the full spectrum of both good and evil.  I am capable of the most self-sacrificing actions to the most diabolical sadism.  To look at someone who stumbled and say that I could never do such a thing is to lie to myself, to others, and to God.  Such words show a fundamental misunderstanding of who I am and what I am capable of.  Such words show arrogance and pride, and they prove myself to be an utter fool.

The depth of my depravity is a crushing weight.

Forgiven, yes.

Being broken and remade, yes.

Able to forget my past, no.

I admit to you freely that I struggle with pornography.  I admit to you freely that I struggle with lust.  I can think of a hundred other shameful things I would rather admit to, true or not, if I can only escape this one.  But God will not let me.  He has placed this cup before me, and in a gentle voice bade me drain it.  So I will trust Him, and I will drain it.  I know He is working in me to heal me, but I would rather walk barefoot on a path of razors.  The cup is very bitter.

At HeartChange I formulated a dagger, a phrase that I can use to remind me who I am in Jesus when the difficulties come.  "I am a warrior, forged in adversity by my Lord and Captain, unfettered and at peace." 

(long silence)  I sense I have been plunged into the coals, and now I am on the anvil, being pounded, being forged.  The gathering storm I foresaw weeks ago has broken directly overhead.  I thought the assault would come from without.  I was wrong.  It came from within.  I was ready for whatever came at me.  I was not prepared for what came from me.  Lightning has pierced my soul and thunder has shattered my senses.  I am reeling.  I am numb.  I do not see any light.  Even the lightning is black.

I thought I had conquered this mountain at HeartChange.  It turns out that I had only climbed to the base camp.  The remainder of my Everest towers high above me yet.

The other day I read a blog by a dear friend, one whom I have not even met yet.  She writes "Journey to Beloved" at journeytobeloved.blogspot.com.  She has been through incredible pain herself, and she ministers to hurting hearts.  The other day she posted a blog entitled "Marked."  I triggered, and the lights went out.

J. Robert Oppenheimer, the chief scientist for the Manhattan Project, said after the creation of the atomic bomb, "Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds."  I borrow his words and say, "I am become Death, the Destroyer of Souls."

It happened 15 years ago on a beautiful day, not very cold, the sun shining.  I believe it was fall.  I came back to my dorm and muttered something under my breath, and he heard me as he passed me near the east entrance to the north wing.  I was mere steps away from my room.  I don't remember if he was coming or going.  I don't remember his name.  I don't know if he was even a student.  I've talked to my friends about him, but no one remembers him.  I don't even remember his face.  I do remember he was skinny and shorter than me.  I do remember he had lighter hair.  I do remember he was a missionary kid from New Zealand.  I don't know the information I need to find him.

It happened 15 years ago on that fateful day.  He heard what I said, and he confronted me on it.  And that is when it happened.  That is when I lit him up.  That is when I plunged a dagger into his soul.  That is when he turned red with rage.  That is when I heard his soul shatter.  That is when I heard his heart break.  That is when I saw in his eyes the damage I did.  That is when I watched him turn and walk away in deafening silence, never to be seen by me again.

That is when I didn't care.

Who was this punk?  How dare he tell me what I should or should not say?  How DARE he!  HOW DARE HE!!!!!!!   Who does he think he is, anyway?

(long pause)  I'll tell you who he is.  He is a child of God.  He has been saved by Grace.  He is dear to my Lord and Savior.  He is my brother. And he is my better.

That day, that ominous day, I sinned greatly.  I became a walking abomination.  I slew a soul.  I fractured a life.  I violated one of God's beloved ones. 

And now his specter has returned from whatever place I buried him in my past.  He rises at will as my personal vampire and feeds on me, draining me of joy, of hope, of any sense of worth.  He whispers that I am the Destroyer of Souls, that I am worthless, that all I touch turns to ash, that I am not deserving of joy, that I cannot be used of God because of this incredible evil.  And I offer him my neck, and I allow him to drain me.  I know I deserve no less.  It is my penance.  It is the least I can do after I so wronged him.

I know these are lies.  But I struggle at not believing them.  I know I am forgiven of my Beloved, that ALL of my sins are forgiven, even this evil.  I know that to Him I am of infinite worth.  I know that in Him I find all the joy I can handle, and then some. I know that my touch does not cause to wither.  I know I can do nothing to make amends for the wrong I have done.  There is no penance that can cleanse me.  Only God's Grace can cleanse me.

Two songs have really spoken to me of late, both by Chris Tomlin.  Both are on my play list.  The first is "Everlasting God," and the second is "I Will Rise."

And just now, as I write this, I realized that I am chained to this demon by my choice.  He cannot harm me unless I let him.  Therefore, I will no longer listen to his poisonous words.  I will no longer offer him my neck.  I will rest in the Truth of my Beloved's Grace.  I am forgiven.  I am cleansed.  He paid for my sin, even this one.  It has been abolished on the Cross, and I bear it no more.  I am free.  FREE!!!!

To my Nameless brother in our Beloved, I met you on one occasion around the fall of 1995 at Northland Baptist Bible College.  I ask your forgiveness for how I wronged you.  I make no excuses for myself.  You are just in any anger you hold against me.  Be it known to you that since then I received Jesus as my Savior, and God has dealt with me concerning my sin toward you.  I repented of it, and I have tried to find you, but not knowing your name or knowing anyone that remembers you, I cannot find you.  My prayer is that this blog entry will find its way to you, and that you will accept my repentance and forgive me.  May Jesus richly bless your life and restore you tenfold whatever I robbed of you.  May you find healing in His loving arms, and that when we meet in Heaven, if God does not first bring our paths together here on Earth, that we can meet as friends.  I love you, my Nameless brother.  Go in God, and be at peace.  Amen.