I wrote parts of this on a different venue, but I felt it needed some revision and a little expansion. No, my wife and I do not have the perfect marriage. We still have issues. But our relationship is better now than it ever has been, and we are continuing to work on it.
I am going to present this topic in two addresses, following the progression of the text as cited in the title. I will make a direct address to the Ladies, and a separate direct address to the Men. And so, without further ado, I will plunge in and make a total fool of myself over how much I really don't know about this subject.
Ladies,
The Greek word behind "to submit" in Colossians 3:18 means simply to obey. It does not mean absolute surrender to every whim and fancy. It does not extend to violating the Word of God. It does not say that your husband can force you to violate your conscience. It does not mean obey everyone else PLUS your husband. You do not conform to the pastor's wishes. You do not conform to the expectations of those around you. The pastor's wife does not run you. Your Sunday school teacher does not control you. The Bible teaches simple obedience to your husband. That's it.
This protects you in more ways than you may realize. For example, if your husband desires you to do something or dress in a way which does not violate your conscience or your understanding of the Word, and someone in the church or the pastor says something to you, you are absolved of all responsibility in the matter because you can point to your husband and say, "I am under my husband's authority, not yours. If you don't like it, take it up with him." And you can turn and walk away with a clear conscience and leave them sputtering into the wind. And you should not feel guilty in doing so. This is now your husband's concern, not yours.
There is another aspect to the word translated as "to submit" that is absolutely beautiful. It means to append or attach, and it was used extensively to attach an amendment to a legal document or to make an attachment to a letter.* We already know from a couple of different parts of Scripture that the husband is to leave his family and cleave (cling, hold fast to) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh (Gen 2:24; Mat 19:5; Mark 10:7-8). Where this word comes into play is that she becomes an extension of the husband. She becomes a second head and a second mind to advise and caution. She becomes a second pair of eyes to better see dangers and opportunities. She becomes another pair of arms and legs to help nurture and further the family unit as a whole. This is not demeaning in the least, but an awe inspiring picture of mutual respect and cooperation. It is the culminating view of "the two shall become one flesh." He clings to her, and she becomes part of him.
Think of it in these terms. We are engaged not only in a day to day struggle just for survival, but also in a battle that is spiritual in nature. The husband and wife are a team, a single combat unit who must survive together. The husband provides for and protects his family, but his perception is limited to the 180 degree field of vision in front of him. No man is capable of seeing everything, no matter how wise he may be. His wife has his back, looking the opposite direction, and she can tell him if there is something sneaking up from behind. She can cover the other 180 degrees that he can't see.
Why do I say it like this? Because women often have a sixth sense about their surroundings that often we men do not have. She can smell out something that just isn't right or even bad even though she may not be able to define it, and it is usually something that we as men are oblivious to. And I'm not talking about the garbage (my sniffer doesn't work very well at all. Just ask my wife). Their intuition is illogical to us men, and so we often dismiss it, but later discover that she did indeed have a valid point, a discovery made often to our own detriment, and often to the family's.
Thus, the wife completes the man in a very real way. Her gentleness smooths his roughness. Her sensitivity confronts his often innocent carelessness toward her and others. Her softness tempers his hardness. However, the husband also completes the woman. His reason helps balance her emotion. His strength protects her weakness. And his love dissolves her insecurity.
Gentlemen,
In the very next verse, Col. 3:19, Paul commands the husband to love his wife and not to be bitter against her. The Greek for "be not bitter" also means not to be harsh, not to be exasperated with, not to be irritated at, not to foster bitter thoughts. Clearly this verse is meant as a counter to the men so that the wife will not be taken advantage of or be oppressed.
Because our thought processes are so radically different, it is easy for us men to get irritated at you women. For me, I get irritated when my wife doesn't understand something that to me is as simple as 2+2. But to her I am asking her to find the derivative of a polynomial equation. The problem is that she has never had calculus. So her reaction would be exactly like many of you right now – "Huh?" And that is where I get exasperated and shut down the lines of communication. So, then I start thinking, "After all, how can she not 'get' something that is so simple? I gave her all the information she needs to figure it out during our conversation." The answer is simple – she doesn't think like I do. I have to consciously remember this, and it is something that I often forget.
Because most of us are physically imposing, at least as far as our wives are concerned, it is easy for us men to try to force our wives into what we believe to be submission. Some even use the threat of force as leverage to force her into doing something. Fear may be a good motivator, but if fear of us is how we run our home, then we are doing something drastically wrong. Fear and respect are mutually exclusive.
We can go on an ego trip and demand ridiculous things of her, all in the name of Biblical submission, and this would be wrong. We are not to demand of her that she violate her conscience (cf. 1 Cor 8, especially vs. 12; Rom 14). She is not a servant or a slave. She is your equal before Christ, but has only been placed in a subordinate role. This does not make her inferior.
I am to love my wife, which means that I am not to demand of her something that would be humiliating, damaging, harsh, retributive, or would even take away from her identity and dignity. Biblical love is to view the other person as better than myself, and the last I read my Bible, the wife was not excluded from this. Therefore, why should I ask of her something that I myself would be unwilling to do? Why should I demand of her that which will diminish her? How can I ask of her something that will damage her? That would be treating her as a servant or even a slave, not as an equal before God.
Also, in this regard, asking or demanding a wife to consistently wear what she does not like I believe to be a degree of harshness. I am talking of prints and patterns and styles and colors and even pants. I have witnessed a young lady of the world be more modest in a pair of tight jeans than a Bible college student in a dress made of many yards of cloth. Don't misunderstand me. I am not advocating the wearing of clothing that requires the lady to pour herself into them in order to fit. I am merely saying that the way clothes are worn say volumes more than what is worn. Modesty has far more to do with attitude than with individual articles of clothing. If a lady desires to be immodest, she can project that through a potato sack which covers her head to toe and obliterates her form. "Lots, loose, and long" may sound cute and catchy, but it really is irrelevant.
We men generally live in our heads. You ladies generally live in your hearts. We men think and analyze and value function over appearance. You ladies value beauty and eye appeal, and it seems like function is often an afterthought. This not meant as condemnatory. It is only observation. There is a completely different perspective in how we view the world around us. As a result, we men can be harsh without realizing that we are by insisting that you ladies conform to our way of thinking. We would probably have less frustration in our lives if we just tried to herd cats instead.
Final Thoughts
Here's something to chew on. God does not desire us to live with a mask on. He desires honest transparency. He detests a religious culture in which people have to lie about who they are so that they can survive. That is not God's work. That is the Devil's work. This goes for both men and women, and it extends to all areas of our lives, even to dress and music. Which honors God more - my openly admitting to listening to CCM (something I am settled in my conscience as OK) or pretending that I believe CCM is bad but quietly listen to it when no one else is around? Which is living according to my convictions and which is living a lie? Another one - is it better for my wife to openly wear a pair of properly fitting jeans (which both of our consciences are clear on) than to adhere to a particular standard but secretly pine for the freedom to wear them? Which is living honestly, and which is living a lie? A pretense at spirituality is still pretense. A lie is still a lie.
Just for the record, my wife does wear jeans, and we do openly listen to CCM. However, should we have visitors that such dress/music will indeed be an issue, we will be happy to surrender that freedom during their stay. Grace is not about my demanding my rights at the expense of others. Grace is about the freedom to lay down my rights voluntarily for the benefit of my brother so that I do not cause him to sin against his conscience.
NOTES:
*Moulton, J. H., and G. Milligan, Vocabulary of the Greek New Testament, Hodder and Stoughton: London, 1930.
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