Confessions of a White Washed Tomb

 When a law/works based mentality invades a church, whether it be in an Independent Fundamentalist Baptist church (IFB), or any other church, it replaces love and grace.  Law/works unites with that church in an unholy union and produces a bastard son called Pharisaism, also known as judgmentalism.  It engenders a lack of love and compassion.  It breeds a superiority complex.  It holds to a form of godliness but denies the power which comes from a true knowledge of God.  It loves confrontation - the bloodier the better.  It rots a church from within, and destroys its reputation from without.  Why is it that IFBs seem to be the most affected?  I can give you what I believe to be the answers, but that will not further the purpose of this entry.

And now, for the moment of truth.  I was a Pharisee.  I placed around the Grace of God a hedge of rules.  I thought I was being pious. I thought I was helping myself from abusing God's bountiful grace.  I was wrong.  I forsook the Grace of God and embraced the rules.  The rules became more important.  The keeping of the rules became the definition of a "good" Christian life.

I was once guilty of living by a self imposed standard, and measuring myself by that "accepted" list of Christian conduct.  I judged others by what they did or did not do.  I made myself better than them because even though I knew I didn't have it all together, at least I didn't go around doing THOSE things, or listen to THAT music, or watch THESE TV shows, or play THIS kind of video game.  I talked about other believers and bemoaned the fact that they were not living a righteous life according the standard I and others like me had set.  I gossiped.  I mocked charismatics because they had a "wrong" understanding of the Bible.  I looked down on men with longer hair.  I judged the spiritual condition of those who did not confirm to my view of "good" Christians. I even judged many of the staff I saw on the first day of HeartChange.

And then there was the guilt.  I was always out of fellowship with God.  God was always angry.  God wouldn't bless me because I always sinned.  God was far from me because I didn't pray as often as I should have.  God wouldn't come near to me because I didn't read my Bible often enough.  I believed God would put me on a shelf because I wasn't living like I should have.  I felt as I did because that is most of what I was ever preached, here in the USA anyway.  I would go forward at the altar call and pray and confess my sins and seek forgiveness.  Sometimes I felt better, but only very short term, mostly I just felt empty.  I then I hated myself because two hours later I was right back at what I had just confessed and tried to repent of.

Eventually I gave up.  I still yearned for God, and I knew I was saved, but God was out of reach.  I could never be good enough to please Him.  So, I quit.  Publicly I still tried to maintain a "good boy" image, but inwardly I let myself go.  It no longer mattered. And yet I yearned for something more.  I knew the Christian life was more than what I was experiencing, but I could never get out of the rut.  I still believed as I had before - the external standards and the guilt trips.

One day on night shift I heard a message on the radio by Erwin Lutzer which helped me identify and break the chains of the occult I had wrapped around me.  God used this message to begin the process of freeing me.  I had renewed hope that there was hope for me yet.  I wanted to study, to learn more because the church we went to, though the people were very nice and the pastor was a good man, and his wife was a sweetheart, just wasn't meeting my needs spiritually.  At least in this church I felt safe.  So, I got an iPod and began subscribing to all sorts of podcasts.  I listened to Chuck Swindol, Stephen Davey, John MacArthur, Dallas Theological Seminary chapels, the Master's Seminary chapels, Erwin Lutzer, among others.  I listened to these for six to twelve hours per day, five to six days per week depending on my routes. I did this for a long time.

And then, about three years ago, I had an epiphany.  If salvation is by grace alone by faith alone through Christ alone, and He paid the ransom for all my sin, all meaning all, then why am I beating my head against the wall because I think I have to keep getting "back" in fellowship with Him?  I AM in fellowship with him because ALL of my sins are forgiven, past - present - and future!  There is NO sin between me and God because Jesus bore them ALL on the cross.  He sees NO sin because God is looking at me through Jesus shaped glasses.  He sees NO sin because I have the righteousness of Jesus covering me completely. 

I began to realize this Truth, but I had a hard time applying it to my life.  I still wrestled with the old IFB mentality of being in/out of fellowship.  Then God moved us to North Dakota, taking us out of the IFB scene altogether, and God's grace which had taken root began to grow and flourish.  After moving here I began to realize how judgmental I had been, and I began to curb my words and think less critical thoughts.  My pastor teaches Grace, and that has only watered and fertilized the work God has been doing.  And then came HeartChange, and you know the rest of the story (if you don't, read my first blog post entitled "HeartChange" from Novemeber, 2010).

I am pleased that my Lord and Savior has chosen to begin the breaking process in me.  Many times I prayed for it, but nothing would happen.  He must have known I was going to be resistant to it.  And now, I see myself being slowly striped away.  I am glad for it.  I want less of me around.  I have seen more of what Jesus is like, and I want to be more like Him.  I am tired of my sin-riddled carcass.  I just want more Jesus.  I am tired of hiding behind what I am not.  I want to hide within the reality of Jesus and His boundless Grace.

I am breaking, and it is a glorious sight!  I am breaking, and I am at peace with the pieces.  HeartChange was the hammer blow which cracked my iron hide, a painful blow, a loving blow. And now, the Spirit of God is free to work within me.  I am no longer resistant.  The clay that I am has become supple once again, and God has chosen to form me anew.  I wonder what I will become . . . .

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! (shouting!!!)

And now that I am dying to myself, I find that I indeed "Rest In Peace."